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Charles Flunkeyania

chapter I.

    It is understood a useful, and it certainly is a commendable, practice, that in bringing a book before the public, the author should say a few words by way of introduction, and of excuse, I presume, for his writing the book at all. But as I have very little to say about my antecedents and even that not of a very exalted or interesting character, I shall plunge at once in medium res, and beg the reader to follow me into the study of the Earl of Pomeroy, who was in the act of investigating my character previously to engaging me in the somewhat anomalous, not to say duplicate, role as his own confidential secretary-valet and body-footman to the Countess.
    This, I am aware, is unusual in high families, but it is not without its special utility as I very soon had occasion to find out.
    That I had plenty of opportunity offered me of playing the spy, my reader can easily imagine, when I tell him that almost always during the forenoon and generally late in the evening I was in attendance in plain clothes on His Lordship. And in the middle of the day and afternoon dressed in handsome livery, upon the Countess; sometimes at home, sometimes with Her Ladyship's carriage.
    That I should give a preference to the service with the lady perhaps was natural, for not only was Her Ladyship's personal attendant, Justine, very pretty, but she showed her admiration for your humble servant in the most distinguished manner.
    But moreover, my vanity led me to suppose that my handsome mistress, the Countess, was not altogether insensible to the gratification of being attentively and devotedly waited upon by a good-looking youth, though he might be twenty years old and she thirty at least.
    I think we have heard of such things before in the pages of history, dear reader! And I rather fancy we have heard of such charming characters as Catherine of Russia and one or two Queens of Spain!
    At any rate, I was not insensible to the advantage of my position, which I was determined to enjoy as long as I could, unless, indeed, anything occurred of so glaring a nature (such as an elopement for instance) that everybody must as a matter of course become aware of it, in which case it would become my duty to His Lordship (and myself) to be beforehand of everybody else and disclose the plot.
    But in the meantime, I was pretty certain that my noble mistress was not quite so virtuous as she was beautiful. But when a woman is so charming as she was, a young man is apt to find excuses for her, and I reflect that if a Spanish or an Italian lady has her Cavalier Servente or a French Marchioness has her very particular friend and nobody finds any fault with it, society need not be so very hard on the Countess, if she deviates slightly from the strict line of duty. But, then, you see, my friends, we are such a very moral people! And Society is hard.
    One day I particularly remember, I was on duty to attend Her Ladyship who was going to take a short walk (not a very usual habit of hers).
    She was, for her, rather plainly dressed and I noticed that the neighbourhood she selected did not seem to me the most appropriate for a lady of title to take the air on foot. But as long as she was not insulted or otherwise inconvenienced that was no business of mine; but presently I considered it my duty to call the Countess's attention to the fact that it was beginning to rain.
    "So it is! How provoking!" was my lady's exclamation. But to my natural suggestion that I should call a cab she replied in the negative, telling me that she was only a few doors from the house of a former servant in the family who lived at number so and so. That she would step in and rest. That I should remain at the public-house at the corner for half an hour or so and then, if the rain had not ceased, I should bring a cab for her, asking for her nurse, Mrs. Wilson.
    Now, the reader will do my intellectual powers injustice if he considers that I did not understand all this thoroughly well. But I only touched my hat respectfully and repaired to the public-house, where, as the rain had not ceased and I thought it a pity to disturb my lady in her interview with her nurse, I remained about an hour and I am bound to say the Countess did not find fault with my delay. I suppose that she must have enjoyed her nurse's society so much indeed. Nor is it to be wondered at that my suspicions were correct and that the said nurse took the shape of a handsome young man and that, reversing the order of things, instead of he nursing her, she nursed her nurse!
    It is to be hoped the nursing did her good; but she certainly did not seem much the better for it as she was very quiet and pale, and on arrival home, passed two or three hours on the sofa.
    And on another occasion, I was ordered to accompany her on a short drive, when of course, as the brougham was put in requisition, I sat beside the coachman.
    We had not gone far, and were still in the neighbourhood of the park, when I noticed a young lady standing on the footpath, as if in expectation of our arrival.
    No sooner did my Lady Pomeroy behold her than she pulled the check-rein and ordered me to let in her young friend, Miss Courtney, whom she wished to take for a drive.
    Of course I did so with all speed, and a most outrageously affectionate reception inside the carriage Miss Courtney met with, such a desperate kissing and hugging compressed into the space of a half-minute while I was putting in her skirts and shutting the door, I had never seen equalled!
    During the transient glimpse I had of their embrace I am almost sure I saw Miss Courtney thrust her tongue most amorously between the Countess's lips, and also take several indescribable liberties with the sacred person of my mistress.
    And yet Justine knew something of the science of kissing and hugging too, and had initiated me into, I supposed, every branch of the mystery.
    But on this occasion there was something more – a something almost indelicate, by which, taken in combination with other little matters almost as trifling, my attention was excited most curiously.
    It will be easily understood by my judicious readers that I was naturally an adept where ladies were concerned, and had in my capacity as a young footman considerably brightened and improved any previous ideas I may have possessed. And, in this case, I was sharp enough to see that though Miss Courtney was well dressed, she was not very well dressed. That is to say, though her clothes were of rich fashionable materials, they looked as if they had not been fitted by a first-class modiste, or put on by a lady's-maid who was up to her business.
    Then she did not step into the carriage like a young lady. She grasped the side-handle and sprang in without touching my arm in the first place. In the second place I have noticed that young ladies in getting in and out of a carriage, however modest, and even prudish they may be, are by no means averse to display their pretty ankles and even – well, Excelsior, up higher – a little peep of legs besides.
    In fact, I have seen the mossy grotto itself when the drawers happened to favour me.
    Well, there is nothing improper in that, and decidedly nothing unpleasant.
    But Miss Courtney exhibited her lower limbs up to the knee, making not the slightest attempt to conceal them, and very fine legs they were too – only, somehow – somehow they did not appear to me like young ladies' legs.
    There is a marked difference in this respect, I perfectly well know. For example, I may say without vanity that I have a very handsome pair of legs, well – and so has Mademoiselle Justine; but then there is a great difference.
    "Of course there is!" I fancy I hear my reader suggesting.
    "Come, none of that, sir!" I reply. "I meant as to legs, simply as to legs."
    And to return to my subject. The decidedly manly look of the young lady's legs, taken in conjunction with her dress, her style altogether and the peculiar nature of the caresses exchanged between her and the Countess, all these little incidents put together, I repeat, produced strong suspicions in my mind as to the sex of our young passenger.
    But I need not have troubled myself to have entertained any suspicions at all. At any rate, they soon became certainties. For presently, I took upon myself to ask Robert the coachman where he was driving? And why was he driving so horribly slow?
    To my first enquiry he replied that he was going to drive along St. John's Wood-Road, and in the second place he affirmed that he was too compassionate a disposition to vex two handsome creatures that had never done him harm.
    I stared at him, for I presumed he referred to the handsome pair of chestnut horses. But when he followed up his remark by gravely saying that it did not matter at what pace he drove for there was "nobody in the carriage," I thought at first he must be mad or drunk, but on turning my head round, the whole truth flashed upon me at once!
    Sure enough, the carriage was supposed to be empty, for all the blinds were closed!
    "Don't you know the peephole," said my friend John. "Our coachbuilder made it on purpose to please me, or I ought to say, Lord Pomeroy. He put me up to it and sometimes rides on the box with me and says it's far more pleasure to see his wife fucked by a fine young fellow than to have the trouble to do it himself."
    "You don't mean that," I replied.
    "Yes, no humbug between ourselves! Old Pom only cares for page-boys, lady's-maids, or some other man's wife or daughters. 'Nothing like breaking the Ten Commandments' is his favourite saying. You'll find that hole in the roof. A little bit slides back just behind you."
    Eager to see something of real life, the slide was noiselessly pushed back, till I could see every part of the interior of the brougham. There sat my lady billing and cooing with Miss Courtney. How flushed they looked as their impassioned kisses too plainly told the depth of their feelings.
    They were sitting side by side, and the first act of their little love-drama was evidently just over, but the curtain had not yet fallen for the Countess's dress was raised to her navel and I could see the jewelled hand of Miss Courtney groping between her lovely thighs. But that was nothing to the sight of the manly root with which that young lady was furnished at the bottom of her belly, which although rather drooping, was still glistening with the cream of love, as the Countess continued to caress it in her milk-white hand, gently uncovering the fiery-looking red head of her delight, as the motion of her fingers seemed to make a mute appeal to its further gallantry. My curiosity was quite satisfied and we let them enjoy themselves in peace for the rest of the drive.

chapter II.

    It was rather late in the afternoon when we arrived home, and I was in my apartment making some slight alteration in my attire before attending my lady at the dinner table, when, enters Justine! Without tapping or giving any other intimation of her approach.
    I remonstrated with her, with mock gravity on her great impudence, representing to her that under the present circumstances my attire was grossly disarranged and that there was a great possibility that she might have found me in a state totally unfit to be seen by any young woman whatever.
    To which the saucy girl replied that she did not know what state that was, unless I was sewn up to the neck in a strong sack; and even then, she continued, she thought that a loving woman with a sharp pair of scissors might overcome the difficulty and make me a presentable member of society – fit to be seen by herself anyway.
    I think I was going to put this experiment to the practical test, and that without the adjuncts of the sack and the scissors, when Justine stopped me by saying that she had a very particular message for me from Her Ladyship.
    This appeared to be that I was not to mention to anyone, least of all to the Earl, the circumstances of the Countess's having taken "Miss Courtney for a drive."
    "For a ride," said I, correcting her with all possible gravity.
    "Well, then, for a ride, if you like, you saucy boy," replied the sweet girl, giving me a slight box on the ear. "You know a great deal too much, sir; but you will promise not to tell Ernest, darling, won't you?"
    Now, I was resolved to tease her a little. So I said that really I considered Miss Courtney a very fine girl. That she had given me a couple of sovereigns when she got out of the carriage. That she was just the sort of a girl that I was sure His Lordship would like: tall and long-legged, in fact exactly like a young fellow in girl's clothes. He's very fond of boys and would be delighted in finding Adam's needle instead of Eve's bit of old hat, when he put his hand up her clothes- and I was chafing away at a great rate when my pretty visitor stamped her foot with vexation, and then began to cry!
    Of course upon this there was only one thing to do, and that was to comfort my young lady in every way that I could, and I succeeded so well that from sobbing, pouting, pushing me away and calling me a tantalizing, cross wretch, she began to return my kisses after the most approved fashion. Then she clasped me round the neck, sighing on my shoulder and murmuring incoherently all the loving epithets that suggested themselves on the spur of the moment, yielding herself as she did so to the loving clasp of my arms.
    Almost undressed as I was, my natural feeling got the better of my discretion. It was too plain what the Countess's soubrette sighed for at the moment, and could any young fellow refuse such an appeal to his gallantry, especially when that engine of love which knows no conscience was bursting with impatience.
    My hands raised her clothes as I threw her back on the edge of my bed and for a few minutes we revelled in the delights of love.
    When we were getting more composed and able to converse like reasonable beings, I gave Justine willingly enough the promise her mistress had told her to get from me. While she informed me that the Earl was particular, almost to jealousy, of anyone using his beautiful chestnuts, unless they who used them belonged to the family.
    I could not help wondering if he would be equally jealous of anyone "using" his beautiful chestnut-haired wife! And whether I was to be considered "one of the family"?
    I could not help hinting something to this effect to Justine, in as discreet a way as the object admitted of. And to my surprise instead of being exposed to a lecture, for my brazen impudence, for daring to entertain such ideas, or a storm of jealous reproaches for my cruelty in so thinking of anybody but herself, after what had just passed between us – and that not for the first time – instead of this I received from the faithful femme de chambre no slight encouragement.
    She told me that she was sure the Countess was very fond of me. That she had questioned her (Justine) about my private habits, how I looked when in dishabille.
    "You see, Ernest," said the arch girl laughingly, "that she supposes that I know all about it."
    Then she told me that the Earl, although not at all an unkind husband, was habitually neglectful, and that, as the girl very shrewdly remarked, ladies considered even worse. That they will bear with a great deal of flirting, infidelity, and other bad conduct on the part of their lovers or husbands, as long as they themselves are not neglected. But that is the one offence not to be forgiven.
    I do not mean to say that Justine expressed this sentiment precisely in these words, but this was the sense of what she said, and very good sense, too.
    The upshot of her conversation was that I was to be ready and bold; but not too knowing or forward. To look my best, and to watch for a favourable opportunity which she felt sure my Lady would afford me when she could. Indeed, Justine went on to say that the present occasion would not be at all an unfavourable one, when I could take the opportunity of assuring my mistress of my inviolable secrecy as to the "Miss" Courtney transaction, and my eternal devotion to her service.
    "But," said Justine, "I dare say my Lady may feel rather fatigued with the exercises she has taken today – and as for you, sir; it is, or ought to be entirely out of the question!"
    I begged to assure Justine that she was never more mistaken in her life, for the taste of love she had just given me only whetted my appetite for a fuller feast, which was perfectly true; for what, with the girl's beauty before me, and the peep which I had had that afternoon into the closed carriage, the warm blood throbbed in my veins so that between reality and imagination I was in a highly efficient state; and all of this I might have given Mademoiselle Justine another and immediate proof of, had not the Countess's bell rung just at this juncture.
    Our tкte-а-tкte was interrupted, Justine exclaiming: "Let me go directly, you dear, naughty fellow – don't you hear my Lady's bell? I promised her to be back in five minutes, and here I've been five and twenty! How you have tumbled my dress, to be sure! Do get along with you! But I must kiss the dear boy first, who has given me such a proof of his vigour!"
    Her hand was under my shirt in a moment, and grasping the reanimated object of her desires, she stooped and took it in her mouth for a moment or two, tickling the ruby head with her lascivious tongue as her cherry lips pressed deliciously around it. But just as I felt the crisis coming on, she suddenly rose from her stooping position and, slapping my posteriors with no light hand, exclaimed with a laugh: "Ah, would you, sir? I know what you are going to do!" and bounced out of my room, saying as she closed the door, to be ready for Her Ladyship's commands in half-an-hour.
    Reader, what could I do in the excited state in which she left me, but pass my hand two or three times up and down on my bursting affair, till the seed spurted over the floor and satisfied my raging lust for that moment.

chapter III.

    It may seem an extraordinary circumstance to some of my readers, and did not at first seem natural to me, that a spoony girl, such as Justine, should not only have not felt jealous at the prospect of a liaison between her mistress and myself, but should even do her best to foster and encourage it. But moments of reflection will, I think, serve to dispel partially, if not entirely, the idea of there being anything peculiarly uncommon about the matter.
    In the first place, Justine regarded the Countess of Pomeroy as quite a superior being, so far above her as to render anything like rivalry out of the question. Moreover, in a certain way, she perfectly adored her and regarded everything Her Ladyship did as right.
    Then again, the shrewd girl had sense enough to know that neither she nor I had any money to speak about, and that if we left the Countess under Her Ladyship's displeasure, we were neither likely to get any other situations. Whereas, if we were serviceable to my Lady, especially in the way of amours or secret fancies, our devotion and faithful attachment would very likely be rewarded in our ultimate marriage and an establishment in the shape of a good shop or perchance a fine boarding-house where we hoped not only to reap substantial profits but get an occasional cut in with our superiors, as we ministered to their lecherous appetites by favouring assignations for amorous dalliance.
    These ideas floated through my brain as I dressed myself with more than usual care to attend upon my Lady. Adding, however, to my reflections a pretty strong conjecture that if my dear little soubrette were to catch me visiting anybody else but her Lady with such ideas in my head – say Sophie, the pretty chambermaid for instance, the young woman's cheeks and my hair and even a more sensitive part would most likely come to grief.
    These meditations brought me to the door of my Lady's dressing-room where Justine admitted me, and I found my noble mistress lying on her sofa, attired in a most graceful dishabille, dressed in a morning-robe of light blue silk so negligently open at the front that I could see the orbs of love, whilst one beautiful leg, hanging carelessly over the side of the sofa, as she reached sideways, displayed to my gaze a ravishing calf, ankle, and tiny foot encased in pink silk stockings and Turkish slippers, for she did not intend to appear at the dinner-table that, day.
    She looked rather pale and languid but my entrance caused a slight perceptible flush to puss over her beautiful features and I also perceived an increase of palpitation on the part of those ivory bosoms as she seemed to draw a long breath before addressing me. She began by saying:
    "Justine has told me, Ernest, that you have promised to be true and faithful and to keep secret my clandestine interview with Miss Courtney today; I have a particular wish that it should not be known." Here she slightly coloured again. Then she continued:
    "May I depend on you faithfully?"
    With this she extended her white hand to me which I kissed with as much devotion as if it had been a Queen's, indeed I should say with a great deal more. This did not seem to cause her any displeasure, for she remarked that it seemed on my part an act of homage, devoting my service.
    To this I replied that if kissing her feet could better express my devotion I should be happy to do so.
    As she smiled at this and did not object, I took silence for consent and proceeded to kiss her lovely foot and ankle and, well – perhaps a 'little higher. At any rate, my lady readers must form their own opinion from the Countess's saying to me, half laughingly:
    "I perceive, Master Ernest, you are one of those greedy people who, when given an inch, must take it all."
    "My Lady, I would rather give you all than take an inch," I exclaimed, to which she replied:
    "If this kind of thing goes on you must submit to have your eyes bandaged! Justine, bandage his eyes with your handkerchief!"
    Now, the truth of the matter is I was grossly infringing on my tacitly permitted privilege of foot-kissing, having slightly raised the blue silk robe, till I found she was minus underskirt or drawers and I almost saw the heaven of love itself while my bursting pego felt the soft slippered foot gently pressing upon it, but as Justine seemed in no hurry to obey the cruel order of her Lady – indeed, I strongly suspect that her binding would not have been effectual – I availed myself of the delay to beseech the Countess in the most devotedly affectionate terms that I could use consistent with respect, not to be so cruel, that as I had already been partially admitted to the gate of paradise, it was very great severity to deprive me of a glimpse of it, with some more extravagant nonsense to the same effect which seemed to amuse Justine amazingly, and actually did not seem to displease Her Ladyship, for she said something, if I recollect rightly (for I was very far from being in a condition to pay correct attention to what was said), about my being a foolish boy, but that as I had vowed myself to secrecy and her interests, and as it would be an insult to offer me money – why, why I must choose my own reward!
    At least I know if I have not exactly reported my Lady's words, that was the practical termination of her speech; indeed I fear I took advantage of the kind tendency of her words before she had quite brought them to an end.
    My fingers had already got possession of her clitoris and were revelling in the juicy moisture with which the vermilion lips of her aristocratic crack was already bedewed in anticipation of the fresh bit of meat it was her intention to devour. The effect was electrical. Justine had guessed the propitious moment and her busy fingers let loose the engine of love from the restraint of my breeches. With a bound I threw myself on Her Ladyship as I raised or opened the robe which had hitherto presented a slight obstacle to my view. Her legs mechanically opened and I was in paradise, Justine keeping her fingers busy titillating the parts in conjunction, as she knelt by the side of the sofa, and really seemed to enjoy the sight of our transports. And what was my astonishment when, after three emissions I withdrew exhausted for the moment, to see the soubrette bury her face between the thighs of her mistress and greedily suck from the love-spot all that her tongue could lick up of the mingled sperm which oozed from that delicious aperture. It was a scene of voluptuous enjoyment such as my youthful ideas had not previously entertained.
    The ice fairly broken, all ceremony (except outward form) was at an end. But these it was of course highly necessary to observe, if possible, with more strictness than before, so that in the course of an hour or so I was sent with an order to the housekeeper to provide something light and delicate for her Lady, who was an invalid and would not dine at the family table. This of course was promptly supplied but I was sorry to observe (for I was retained to wait on Her Ladyship,) that the order had been so literally observed that the Countess, who was really only languid and no invalid at all, actually required nourishment and was likely to come off second best under this sick-room regimen.
    I suggested this at once to Justine, who perceived the error made and volunteered to supply the deficiency. She showed herself a capital forager, for she returned speedily, bringing not only several dainties herself, but also accompanied by one of the under-footmen who bore a tray containing a capital supper with a bottle or two of wine.
    This, the clever girl asserted, had been ordered by the Countess for her two attendants who were, after their duties were over, to have supper in the anteroom.
    By this manoeuvre the Countess obtained the supper she absolutely required, but there was also plenty left over for Justine and myself, when (Her Ladyship having concluded her repast) we sat down to enjoy it in the anteroom.
    I mention this little circumstance to show how familiarity was cemented and kept up between the Countess and us two, her special servants. Indeed, she expressed herself warmly on the subject to me for suggesting the idea and to Justine for executing it. There was yet another cause for mutual congratulation and it was this.
    What our beloved, but supposed to be invalid, Lady would have done on a wing of chicken, some jelly and the ghost of a glass of wine and water, I cannot tell, and shudder to think of, but I think we all three congratulated ourselves upon the effect produced by such condiments as tongue, potted meats, to say nothing of two or three bottles of good wine.
    The colour returned to my Lady's pale cheeks, her languor gave way to vivacity and high spirits, and her eyes sparkled with the combined fire of passion and champagne.
    Justine exhibited similar symptoms in a modified degree while I, thanks to my youth, strength and strong constitution, felt as if nothing particular had happened.
    I had reason to bless my stars that I had partaken of a good supper, for after a little laughing talk, the Countess dispatched Justine to my room with orders to lock the door and bring her the key, exclaiming: "Now, Ernest, where do you suppose you are to pass the night?"
    Under any other circumstances this might have been a puzzling question, but as Her Ladyship asked it, flung herself upon my knee and began kissing and hugging and fondling me in a style more becoming to her passion than her rank as a Countess, her question answered itself or rather her behaviour supplied an answer to it.
    Not that I was ungrateful, however, for these proofs of endearment, far from it; on the contrary, I reciprocated them with all my heart and soul and repaid them with interest both physically and mentally. So that when Justine arrived with my bedroom key she was not at all surprised to receive an order to prepare her mistress for bed, to prepare another for herself in the anteroom and to call me at five o'clock in the morning, before any of the household were up. However, as the Earl was absent on a visit to the Duke of Dashwood, and nobody else had claim on my services, there was little fear of my being wanted or of any exposure consequent thereon.
    I rather suspect that putting the Countess to bed was a longer business than usual, and I am afraid that Justine found me a nuisance rather than otherwise, for I was so proud of my newly invested privileges and other important offices, which I considered myself entitled to, that I insisted on acting the part of a chambermaid to a somewhat indefensible extent. And the beauty of it (in every sense of the word) was that the Countess rather backed me up in my vagaries than otherwise, until at last Justine lost all patience and vowed that if I did not retire into the anteroom and leave her alone with her mistress for a few minutes, I should go back to my own room as I deserved.
    "Now, she's jealous, throw her on the bed, Ernest," ordered the Countess, "and do her over at once. I shall be delighted to see two such handsome persons playing the Adam and Eve game: besides, I've got a little tickler here to increase the fun and add to our enjoyment."
    My affair was again in prime condition. So, throwing Justine over the edge of the bed I was into her in a moment. "Ah! ah! oh! Pray don't, my Lady!" I called out almost in a scream, as one, two, three slashing cuts of a heavy birch rod warmed my bottom behind. Justine held me to herself like a vice and I could hear the Countess laugh as she plied the merciless rod, till presently such a beautiful glowing sensation, added to an extraordinary bursting stiffness in my piston-rod, drowned all sense of pain as I shot such a profuse emission into my sweetheart that I almost fainted from excess of emotion.
    And here it was my intention to draw the veil, or more correctly speaking, to drop the curtain and to balk the necessity of my friends by giving no further record of the proceedings of that delicious night; but I think in common gratitude to my beautiful Lady Pomeroy I ought to acknowledge that I was in a state of exquisite bliss and I may say without vanity that my lovely companion owned to something very like that enviable state herself.
    We were both a little too happy, for when Justine came to call me in the morning I was almost exhausted. And the faithful girl could only rouse me by insisting that her mistress was faint, that I must leave the room while she administered restoratives.

chapter IV.

    That I have not ere this alluded to the Earl of Pomeroy, by whom I was specially engaged and to whom my services were due as well as to the Countess, must be attributed to the fact that almost immediately on my entering upon my duties, as recorded in this veracious narrative, His Lordship had joined a shooting-party at the Duke of Dashwood's, with whom the Earl was particularly intimate. Indeed, common report went so far as to say that His Lordship was still more intimate with the Duchess and that his Grace seemed to be perfectly indifferent on the subject.
    Report as a general rule is a sad liar, but I strongly suspect (indeed, I had reason subsequently to know) that in this instance there was a good deal of truth in the rumour. Be that as it may, their Graces, accompanied by their daughter, the Lady Georgiana, were making a return visit to the Earl and Countess of Pomeroy, both of whom (very sensibly, as they might have need of my services) took care to make me acquainted with certain peculiarities of their noble guests.
    As the Countess's remarks and suggestions were by far the more concise, I shall take them first in order.
    She commenced by saying that she hated them all three. Father, mother and daughter. His Grace she described as a great heavy man, fond of good eating, hard drinking and riding, and that in matters pertaining to women he was a gross sensualist.
    People had even been kind enough to couple her name with his, which she need not say was a base fabrication.
    "Of course, my Lady," I ventured to interrupt.
    She then went on to say that nothing would induce her to have anything to do with such a brute and that she would leave him to his liaisons with chambermaids and housemaids, whom he had the bad taste to prefer and to whom he conducted himself in such a style as to render him a nuisance in any country-house where he happened to be staying.
    "On the last occasion when he was here," my Lady continued, "he had the impudence to make improper advances to my maid Justine, but I very soon put a stop to that. Indeed, I think that Justine herself had too much good taste to permit such a thing."
    Here I may notice, en passant, that while I cordially subscribed to Justine's good taste as far as I was personally concerned, yet I had my private doubts about that young lady resisting temptation, especially if a heavy bribe were offered.
    But I am interrupting the course of the Lady's remarks.
    "If his Grace condescends to make paramours about the girls' bedrooms, generally it's no business of mine, as long as the housekeeper does not call my attention to the degrading circumstances. If the girls get into mischief I am sorry for them and they must leave, that is all."
    This was all my Lady had to say about his Grace of Dash-wood, and pretty much too, you'll say.
    The Duchess came next in consideration. She, it appeared, was very handsome, though dark. This was quite true, her Grace presenting a marked contrast in appearance to my mistress, who, as I think I have before noticed, had bright brown hair. The head and front of her offence was, in Lady Pomeroy's opinion, not only that she, the Duchess, kept up a constant and most undisguised improper intimacy with the Earl, but had the effrontery to presume to be on the most affectionate terms with herself, the Countess.
    "Just as if," continued that indignant lady, "she could fancy me so stupidly blind as not to perceive what was going on almost under my very nose. Why, the very fact of not concealing it is an insult in itself!" And I must say that I quite agreed with her there.
    As to the Lady Georgiana, my mistress considered her a handsome aristocratic young lady, who had nothing but the accident of her birth to justify her excessive haughtiness and who affected to consider all other people, and the male sex in particular, as so much dirt under her feet.
    "That part of the business," continued my Lady, "I am convinced is all sheer nonsense, and in reality she is as sensually inclined, body and soul, as either her father or mother, and that will be found out someday, I feel perfectly certain." As the Countess emphasized the last remarks, I could not help fancying that she glanced at me in a peculiar way.
    Could it be that she had designed me as the instrument for lowering the pride of the haughty Lady Georgiana?
    As to the characters of the gentleman's valet and the lady's femme de chambre, she merely premised that they were a trifle worse than usual among persons in their situations. The rest I might find out for myself.
    Then reminding me of my pledge of secrecy and the peculiar bond by which she had secured my fidelity, we forgot for a few minutes our relative positions as Lady and servant.
    I had been standing respectfully in front of Her Ladyship, but at the conclusion of her explanatory remarks on the virtues and vices of her guests, she motioned me to draw closer as she wished to ascertain for herself if I had been wasting on others that which I ought to keep so as to be always in readiness to minister to her requirements.
    Opening my trousers with her own delicate hands, she pulled out my rapidly rising organ of pleasure, and drawing back the foreskin, exclaimed: "Ah! you have been good! I can easily tell if the prepuce is all red that you have been obliging someone else within five hours. But this jewel is pale and I see no traces of recent excitement."
    I fell on my knees and offered the devotions of my tongue at her shrine of love, then followed that up by a most salacious sucking, till she was content and graciously dismissed me, in order that I might be in immediate attendance on the Earl, who summoned me, and as his guests had just arrived, I lost no time in waiting on my master.
    As of course the new arrivals were at once shown to the apartments destined for them, it afforded a capital opportunity for my Lord to order me to follow him to his dressing-room. The private instructions and directions I there received were, as the reader will see, slightly different to the suggestions thrown out by Lady Pomeroy.
    To begin with, His Lordship expressed his strong opinion that the Lady was guilty of infidelity and that the partner of her misdemeanour was no other than his most intimate friend, the Duke of Dashwood.
    Of course, I knew better than this, but as I was supposed to know nothing, I said nothing.
    I think His Lordship tried hard to persuade himself that the case was such, in order to try and make some small excuse for his conduct with regard to the Duchess. This, indeed, he hardly tried to conceal.
    He was far from entertaining the same opinion of Monsieur Duroque and Mademoiselle Juliette, the valet and femme de chambre of the Duke and Duchess, which was held by the Countess. Indeed he represented that couple as the most valuable and trustworthy of their class, especially recommending Juliette to my notice. She and I would, it appeared, be the means of communication between the Duchess and himself in the way of verbal messages, notes or otherwise, and therefore it was highly desirable that I should cultivate the young woman's acquaintance.
    "You have my full permission to fuck her, and make yourself as agreeable as possible. Then I can depend upon you both. There's nothing like that to ensure discretion in love matters," he added.
    This, from the estimate I formed of her character and judging from her personal appearance, I considered I should not have much difficulty in doing.
    My final instructions were not to fail in my attendance on my Lady and to report to him anything worthy of notice, particularly between her and the Duke.
    This I faithfully promised to do, feeling pretty confident that I should notice nothing in that quarter, and mentally resolving that any other eccentricities of my Lady as developed in respect to myself should not be considered worthy of notice.
    So far, so good. And when my services to Her Ladyship were concluded, little did he guess in what some of those services consisted, or with what pleasure they were given.
    I was to attend His Lordship in his dressing-room as he would most likely require me.
    Upon this I bowed and withdrew, and my Lady having a good deal of company to entertain at dinner, subsequently retired rather fatigued about eleven o'clock. I was at liberty to retire and repaired at once to my Lord's dressing-room. There I waited until nearly twelve when, making his appearance, he demanded if anyone had called there with a note for him.
    I was in the very act of replying in the negative when a tap was heard at the door and opening it, entered Juliette.
    She hesitated a little on seeing me, but on the holding out of his hand as if expecting something, she placed in it a small note. On reading it, he nodded his head and smiled, saying to the bearer, "Your mistress is retiring, I suppose?"
    On receiving an answer in the affirmative he further asked whether his Grace was in bed or making any preparations for going to bed?
    To this the clever soubrette replied that she had just seen Duroque, who had informed her that the Duke had taken a good deal of wine and seemed quite disposed for bed and would probably sleep soundly.
    Upon receiving this information, my Lord dismissed me, as there was little possibility of my services being required that night in the espionage department, and it is to be presumed that he could manage anything else perfectly well without my assistance.

chapter V.

    Tired as I was, I was undressing myself very leisurely but had nearly concluded that operation, when, lo! the door of my room quietly opened.
    I never locked it for fear of being suddenly and secretly summoned.
    Who the opener might be, of course, I could not tell, but I certainly did not expect to see Mademoiselle Juliette.
    Putting her finger to her lips as a sign of silence and secrecy, she informed me that the Duke was up and evidently bound on some nocturnal ramble, and that she, being in the Duchess's room, Lord Pomeroy (it is to be presumed that he was there too) had begged her to awake me, and desire me to look after his Grace as there was every reason to fear that his destination was the apartment of the Countess.
    "So don't sit there staring like an owl in the sunshine," exclaimed the impudent black-eyed girl. "Get up and put your breeches on and I'll help you."
    Now I beg to assure my kind readers that at this moment I was in that particular costume in which Charles Lever describes his hero, Harry Lorrequer, being discovered when the bell rang to draw up the curtain at some private theatricals: to wit, a shirt and silk stockings.
    Nothing more, upon my honour!
    And I leave it to any to say whether it was a delicate operation for a modest young man to undergo to be assisted in pulling on his breeches by an impudent black-eyed soubrette.
    The chastest Joseph that ever lived must have yielded to the temptation, and the stupidest gawky of a piously brought-up lout must guess what followed.
    I picked up my trousers from the chair upon which they had been flung as I undressed, and pretending to bungle as I bashfully attempted to hide John Thomas, who at the bare idea of a bit of anything fresh, was in his usual unruly state.
    "La!" she exclaimed as her hand touched my projecting shirt, "is it anything that will bite?"
    "Yes love, but not anything to hurt a darling like you. Won't you stroke his pretty head? It's a pet with all the ladies," I replied, pulling up my shirt and presenting the Vade mecum of pleasure to her eyes.
    Juliette at once flushed crimson as she covered her face at the sight, ejaculating: "How dare you, sir? I'll tell the Countess!"
    "Not before you've enjoyed it, however, and then you can give me a reference for gallantry as well, which may do me a great service. You're in for it, now, Miss Juliette," I said, shoving her towards the bed, and in spite of her resistance, I soon had her clothes up and got between as beautiful a pair of thighs as I ever saw (she had no drawers on). It wanted only the electric touch of Mr. Pego to make her surrender all discretion. Ah, what an engagement we had, yard-arm to yard-arm, as Jack Tar would say! In fact I fired into her porthole till she surrendered and went off into a faint of ecstasy.
    I shall never forget it, short as the fuck was, it was one of the most enjoyable I remember. Time was precious and she soon kissed and forgave my boldness, for, of course, it was only what the young lady had hoped and expected, and so I trust she was satisfied. But now I had to attend to business.
    Finding that the Duke had indeed left his room, I proceeded in search of his Grace, not in the direction suggested by Juliette, but in quite another direction than towards my Lady Pomeroy's apartments, to where the under-servants slept. Comfortable rooms enough they were, too.
    Now I was perfectly aware that Sophy and Lucy, the two housemaids, slept in one room. There I thought would be my mark, and there, sure enough, I found his Grace evidently on the most affectionate terms with the two young women, whose charms, though not of the most aristocratic class, were by no means to be despised; for he was paying them very liberally in advance, and so I had to remain and see whether he fell into the snare which sometimes awaits the bad paymasters who pay in advance, or I should make but a poor report to my employers. But, no, I had the gratification of witnessing through the medium of the keyhole (after rather a tedious observation, however, for were there not two young women?) that "there is honour among housemaids" and that if his Grace of Dashwood did not get his money's worth it was not the fault of Sophy and Lucy!

chapter VI.

    Honour amongst maid-servants, you would have thought so, had you but seen how Sophy and Lucy, after receiving the Duke's retaining fee, worked for his pleasure in hopes of getting a refresher when he retired.
    Nor were their labours in vain. Yet, I verily believe he had stimulated himself by a dose of tincture of cantharides, phosphodyne, or something of that sort, for he was a perfect goat.
    Lucy in her nightdress was sitting on the edge of the bed with a finger between her thighs, evidently trying to impress upon his Grace the necessity of another bit of flimsy for her bedfellow; and from what I could only partially hear, he made that depend on how they pleased him first.
    Although I could not hear all that was said, what I saw will enable me to supply the dialogue.
    Lucy now proceeded to business by suddenly throwing the bedclothes off Sophy, whose chemise she turned up, and began to smack her lily-white bum before she could very well help herself.
    I could see the red marks flush on her tender skin at every slap. This seemed greatly to please the Duke, who did his best to prevent the helpless girl from getting up.
    Sophy struggled desperately, looking both flushed and cross but afraid to call out for fear of making too much noise.
    His Grace had gone on his expedition in slippers and dressing-gown. So when this slapping was over; he slipped off his only coverings, and dropping the slippers, had nothing but his stockings on as he jumped on the bed between the two girls, his great affair as stiff and ready as possible.
    Sophy was the first to take possession of that red-headed prize. She was evidently excited by the rough usage of her posteriors and begged to be comforted at once.
    "So you shall, my dear," said the Duke, "and let your bedfellow straddle over my face, that I can tickle her up with my tongue whilst you ride my cock."
    This was a luscious sight and raised all my own lustful feelings quite to burst point, till, as they all seemed to come together, I actually emitted in my breeches.
    After this, each of them sucked his prick and balls by turn, till he mounted Lucy and fucked her like a satyr; Sophy all the while kissing and fondling his testicles and working one finger in his arse-hole to excite him to the utmost.
    Even this did not exhaust him, for he gamahuched them by turns, and even did the "La Rose" trick of the French women, by frigging their bottoms with his long tongue, which seemed to drive them almost mad. They got his prick in a glorious state again, and at his request, both knelt down on hands and knees, presenting their bottoms to him. What a surprise I had, for he buried that great bursting prick of his in each arse-hole in turn, and then for a change, in their cunts. He made it last awfully long and I could see plainly by their wriggles of delight and the subdued ejaculations of pleasure which I heard, such as: "How nice – lovely – delicious. How you do make me come. Oh, do spend into me," etc., as each girl was also busy frigging herself as well.
    At last it was over. I saw him taking the second fiver out of his dressing-gown. So, turning from the keyhole, I retraced my steps. Everyone to his taste, I reflected, as I quickly and cautiously descended the stairs on my homeward journey. And yet again, I thought, a man might do worse; and if I had not been so exceptionally fortunate, as I am, I might be very glad of two such buxom lasses as Sophy and Lucy.
    These reflections brought me to the door of the Duchess of Dashwood (quite in another part of the house from that of the Duke), and here I essayed to make my knocking with my knuckles.
    But whether Juliette was in the arms of Morpheus or of one of our young footmen, or of M. Duroque, or of all three, I cannot tell; but at any rate, I could not obtain admittance, until I heard the bolt withdrawn and the voice of the Earl, my master, telling me to come in.
    I entered accordingly and made a full report of what I had seen, much to the pretended surprise of His Lordship, but not at all to the surprise of the Duchess, who declared with considerable emphasis, "It was just like him!"
    She, then totally oblivious of my presence, as it seemed and of her own dishabille, which might be charming but was somewhat remarkable for her own peculiar situation, that is to say, a married woman comfortably in bed with another woman's husband – totally forgetful of all these trifles as it seemed – she began to expatiate upon the enormities perpetrated by his Grace of Dashwood.
    Of the valuable impulse he had given to the population in his neighbourhood through the medium of the farmers' daughters and pretty cottage-girls; that she never could keep a decent-looking chamber-maid or housemaid in the castle- that in London he was worse, if possible – that she suspected him of improper conduct with Mademoiselle Juliette, the best soubrette she ever had, and was getting on at a great rate, when the Earl politely reminded her that my presence in the room was no longer required and suggested that I should be allowed to retire, which her Grace cordially agreed to, commenting at the same time upon my manners and general appearance in a style which I may be forgiven for not repeating, but which suggested my having found favour in her eyes.
    As the reader may believe, I took particularly good care to report to my Lady on the following morning all that I had seen regarding the Duke and Duchess.
    As concerned the proceeding of the former there was no embellishment required; a plain unvarnished statement of facts was all that I dared venture on and it was enough in all conscience.
    But where her Grace and my Lady's husbands were concerned, I must plead guilty, I fear, to having thrown in a little colouring, suggested a few natural touches in fact, that brought out (so to speak) the prominent features of the picture into high relief.
    The trifling episode about Juliette coming by herself into my room and assisting at my toilet, I thought it judicious to say nothing about whatever.
    My report produced, as might be expected, a variety of conflicting emotions in the mind of Lady Pomeroy.
    But while she was reflecting, I suppose as to what opinion to express, Justine, like a favoured girl, took the liberty to open the ball with: "Pray, Master Ernest, when you were bound on such an errand why did you not call at my room and take me with you? Two witnesses would have been better than one, you know."
    I replied with as much gravity as I could, though I could hardly suppress a laugh, that I could not think of introducing such youthful purity to such a scene of licentious sensuality.
    At this remark, notwithstanding her vexation, my Lady Pomeroy fairly smiled, and I think that Justine would have boxed my ears if she had dared.
    Then she continued her examination by asking if: "That wretch, Juliette, was in the room when I made my report to the Duchess?"
    "No, she was not," I briefly answered.
    "And where the dev – (it was nearly out) – was she then?"
    "How should I know?" was my reply. "Rocking somebody to sleep, I presume; Lady Georgiana, or M. Duroque, or somebody else."
    "Hush, Justine," said the Countess now laughing, "you are too forward, and as for your report, Ernest, it is all very disgusting of course, but it is very painstaking and faithful on your part, and it is a comfort to know that I shall not be bothered with the attentions of that brute of a Duke, while he is here; and I'll take care that Justine is not annoyed. As for those two fools of housemaids, I shan't take any notice of their conduct; it would only create a general scandal. Of course I knew that my Lord misbehaved himself grossly with the Duchess but did not know that she abandoned herself so completely when there was a third party, and a handsome young man, in the room. What is your opinion on the subject?"
    To this I replied with all becoming indifference that it was a subject on which I hardly felt competent to express an opinion, when in the presence of such a good judge as Her Ladyship, but as far as my own personal feelings were concerned, that her Grace's self-abandonment and forgetfulness of the barriers which modesty might have interposed in the presence of a third party, produced no effect whatever. And that I had lately been taking lessons in an academy of such a very superior grade to that in which it appeared her Grace had taken her degrees, that I consider myself too proficient to require instruction from her in any branch of learning whatever.
    Of course this speech was understood precisely as I intended it to be.
    Justine laughed and my lovely mistress smiled and coloured and said that I was "a silly, flattering boy," but seemed very much gratified nevertheless.
    I was then dismissed for the present, under directions to attend her Grace when she took Lady Georgiana out for a drive in the afternoon.
    I could not help laughing in my sleeve, as I wondered whether they would drive in the direction of her Lady's nurse, who lived in a certain obscure street, or if Miss Courtney would be picked up anywhere and make a third inside passenger.
    According to the old adage a third makes bad company, but under these circumstances I do not think that either of the ladies would have objected to the addition.
    However, I may as well say at once that nothing of any consequence occurred during the drive. That is, nothing at all ostensible to speak about.
    If any conversation took place between the ladies that produced some effect on them shortly afterwards, I cannot tell for a certainty, as of course I could hear nothing of it. But, judging from the hints thrown out by my Lady Pomeroy to Lady Georgiana and her longing to see her haughtiness and scorn of men brought down to a proper level, and connecting these suggestions with a mysterious adventure which befell me the day after the ladies drove out together, I cannot but think that Her Ladyship had some hand herself in bringing about the fulfillment of her own predictions.
    On that day as it happened, or most probably it was selected on purpose, the Duke and Duchess and the Earl had gone to the theatre; the Countess desiring to remain at home and Lady Georgiana stayed to keep her company.
    It had become quite late in the evening and as my services were not required, I was sitting by myself, when Juliette came in without knocking, silently and mysteriously, as once before, but not with the same results. She merely came, as she said, to tell me that my presence was required.
    Never mind, I was required, that was enough, and very flattering to me!
    Moreover it was absolutely requisite that my eyes should be bandaged.
    Now, I was no fool and I was pretty certain that no harm could come to me in the Earl's mansion at any rate. Moreover, if my eyes were bandaged, my hands were free; besides, I may as well confess to my readers that my last association with my eyes bandaged, or more nearly proposed to be bandaged, was an extremely agreeable one; so after a faint show of objection I submitted, having a pretty strong notion of the object of the grand adventure.
    I was then led by my conductress up one passage and down another, evidently for the purpose of puzzling me, and this was successful, for on being ushered into a room, I certainly could not make out where I was. That the room was comfortable and with some luxurious articles of furniture in it, there was no doubt. Also that there were two or three females in it, I was persuaded, for I heard low whisperings, some of an argumentative character. Some as if in fun, and some seemed made in allusion to me in connection with some sport or other.
    But I was not such a fool as not to make a shrewd guess as to what sort of sport was likely to take place, when a few merry young women have got a handsome young man in a room among them, with his eyes bandaged, and awaited my fate with becoming fortitude.
    I had not long to wait.
    I heard someone give a whispered persuasion, some more giggling and then violent hands were laid upon me. I don't mean to say that I was hurt or that the hands laid upon me were particularly rough, but at any other time I would have protested against indignities offered to me; under the circumstances I considered it wiser and pleasanter to hold my tongue and submit to my fate.
    So I did. So would my reader if he had such a chance. Fancy yourself blindfolded as I was, and fancy several pairs of delicate soft hands pulling off your clothes, till there was no rag on your body except your stockings and the handkerchief over your eyes. How would you like to hear a soft, gentle voice as pleasant as a rippling brook, say: "Look at that beauty, won't you kiss its ruby head?" Then a soft hand takes John Thomas, gently draws back the foreskin and you first feel the warm breath, then the touch of the velvety tongue of some beauty who, you instinctively know, feels her blood at that moment in a boil of voluptuously longing excitement.
    You are drawn softly to a couch, laid gently on your back, and some delightful creature splits herself upon your rod, rides it with spirit, till just the ecstatic moment; her lips are glued to yours in long lusciously amorous kisses, as the soul-dissolving emission mixes the male and female semen in one life-giving stream of pleasure.
    She rolls aside and another fair creature takes her place before you have time to lose your stiffness. (Fresh cunt, fresh courage.) On you go for a steeple-chase of love again, again you come together! Each time I tasted the heavenly bliss of coition, if possible, in a more delightful degree, for I had four of them, one after another, before they allowed me to get up.
    Then the darlings dressed me, but made such a pretended muddle of getting on my trousers, as they laughingly tried to put my limp prick away comfortably in its place, it got so handled and squeezed that I had the horn as ever. So, seizing the first one I could hold, I bore her to the floor, up with her dress and into her reeking cunny in less time than it takes to write it.
    This was a delicious bout, for the others laughed and slapped our bottoms all the while as we wriggled on the carpet. I was so delighted I am sure I made my partner spend three times before I was subdued, and she lay listlessly beneath me in the after lethargy of satisfied desire.
    Whilst feeling her beautiful legs my hands came upon a small loose strap which I slyly slipped into my trousers as I put away the limp engine of love, thinking perhaps to make out my antagonist when I examined the colours I had captured on the sly.
    I was kissed and sent away in charge of Juliette and soon found myself in my own room again.
    It was a most mysterious story, but I had obtained a slight clue, a very slight one certainly, when my conductress advised me to put myself in order as I should probably be required to wait upon my mistress and Lady Georgiana at the supper-table.
    But no sooner was her back turned than I inspected the little waif or stray I had secured in my pocket and found, as I expected, that it was neither more nor less than a lady's garter, and one of a colour and make that I had never seen before.
    Anyhow, the next morning Mlle. Juliette was making anxious enquiries about one of her Lady's elastics which I at once offered to restore on condition of being allowed to replace it. And if anyone considers this affords a clue to my mysterious adventure they are welcome to it. I have no opinion to offer except that it is time to wind up my story.
    The Earl of Pomeroy and the Duchess of Dashwood never visited the theatre on the eventful evening I have just described; the Duke, who could not obtain a divorce, filled his house with such bad company that his daughter, the Lady Georgiana, has obtained permission to live under the protection of her particular friend, the Countess of Pomeroy.
    Justine and I, being so comfortably fixed and quite young as yet, think it would be folly to marry at present and so we retain our confidential stations.