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X-Treme Latin (Lingua Latina Extrema)

X-Treme Latin (Lingua Latina Extrema)

Аннотация

    In staff meetings and singles bars, on freeways and fairways-there are aggravating people lurking everywhere these days. But bestselling humorist Henry Beard has the perfect comeback for all prickly situations, offering a slew of quips your nemesis won't soon forget, or even understand. Henry's gift is his ability to make fun of popular culture and the current zeitgeist. In X-Treme Latin he provides Latin with an attitude, an indispensable phrasebook that taps the secret power of Latin to deliver, in total safety, hundreds of impeccable put-downs, comebacks, and wisecracks. Within its pages you will learn how to insult or fire coworkers, blame corporate scandals on someone else, cheer at a World Wrestling Entertainment match, talk back to your computer or Game Boy, deal with your road rage, evade threatening situations, snowboard in style, talk like Tony Soprano, and much more. With dozens more zingers for quashing e-mail pranks, psyching out your golf opponent, giving backhanded compliments, talking back to the television, and evading awkward questions, X-Treme Latin is destined for magnus popularity and will have readers cheering, "Celebremus!"


Henry Beard X-Treme Latin (Lingua Latina Extrema)

    © 2004
    Series: Latin for All Occasions

Author’s Note

    Although I did the original Latin composition for the first draft of this book, my translations have been extensively corrected, meticulously polished, and felicitously rephrased by J. Mark Sugars, Ph.D., without whose assistance I would have been in merda profundissima (very deep doo-doo). Thus, to the extent that the classical constructions herein are historically appropriate, grammatically accurate, and culturally apt, it is he who deserves the imposing, but tasteful, triumphal arch on the sunny side of the Forum, just below the Palatine Hill. If, however, there are any errata ignominiosa (boners), it is I and I alone who should be exiled to the remote, windswept tip of some godforsaken island inhabited by rude barbarians. (The Hamptons will do nicely.)
    That said, I have to confess that even the most dedicated Latin purist inevitably succumbs to the temptation to make a cheap joke at the expense of the noble tongue of Rome ’s golden age, and I am no exception. Therefore, in the interests of scholarly integrity, I am compelled to concede that there is no Latin verb “geronimo, geronimare” meaning “to express an intention to act boldly or rashly,” say, just prior to jumping off a bridge, and if a Roman diner wished to remark, “I will recommend this restaurant,” “zago, zagas, zagat” is not the way he would have phrased it. The rest of the Augustan yadda-yadda (“iaddo, iaddere, iaddedi, iadditum”) is as kosher as we could make it.
    Oh, all right. Yadda-yadda is actually blatero, blaterare. Sheesh.

Preface.

PRAEFATIOpry-FAH-tih-oh

    It’s often said that Latin is a dead language
    Lingua Latina saepe dicitur mortua esse
    LEEN-gwah lah-TEE-nah SIGH-pay DEE-kih-tuhr MOHR-too-ah EHS-seh
    Baloney!
    Nugas!
    NOO-gahss!
    It’s just been taking a long nap
    Modum iam pridem meridiatur
    MOH-duhm yahm PREE-dehm meh-ree-dih-AH-tuhr
    And it’s been talking a lot in its sleep
    Iam diu autem multa verba facit dormiens
    Yahm DIH-ooh OW-tehm MOOL-tah WEHR-bah FAH-kiht DOHR-mih-ehns
    In fact, you can’t get it to shut up
    Re vera, non potes eam in silentium redigere
    Ray WAY-rah nohn POH-tess EH-ahm ihn sih-LAYN-tih-uhm reh-DIHG-eh-reh
    Look around-Latin is all over the place, like a cheap toga
    Circumspice-Lingua Latina se pandit ubique tanquam toga qwevilis
    KEER-kuhm-spih-keh-LEEN-gwah lah-TEE-nah say PAHN-diht ooh-BEE-kweh TAHN-kwaum TOH-gah WIH-liss
    Lawyers use it to screw you
    Iurisperiti ea utuntur ut te defraudent
    Yoo-riss-peh-REE-tee EH-ah uh-TOON-tuhr uht tay deh-FROW-dehnt
    Doctors use it to scare you shitless
    Medici hac lingua utuntur ut alvum evacues ex metu
    MEH-dih-kee hock LEEN-gwah uh-TOON-tuhr uht AHL-wuhm ay-WAH-koo-ays eks MEH-tooh
    Politicians use it to hide their tracks while they rob you blind
    Magistratus ea utuntur ad operienda vestigia cum te despoliant
    Mah-gihs-TRAH-toohs EH-ah uh-TOON-tuhr ahd oh-pehr-ih-AYN-dah wehs-TEE-gih-ah kuhm tay deh-SPOH-lih-ahnt
    Priests use it to weasel their way out when they get caught playing hide-the-sausage with the altar boys
    Sacerdotes in stupro cum acolytis deprehensi ea utuntur ut se criminibus absolvant
    Sah-kehr-DOH-tays ihn STOOP-roh kuhm ah-koh-LEE-teese day-preh-HAYN-see EH-ah uh-TOON-tuhr uht say krih-MIHN-ih-buhss ahb-SOHL-wahnt
    Even garden supply stores use it to get you to buy overpriced, short-lived houseplants
    Etiam venditores rerum hortensium ea utuntur ad persuadendum tibi ut emas maximo pretio plantas vitae brevis
    EH-tih-ahm wehn-dih-TOHR-ace RAY-ruhm hohr-TAYN-sih-uhm EH-ah uh-TOON-tuhr ahd pehr-swah-DAYN-duhm TIH-bee uht EH-mahs MAHK-sih-moh PREH-tih-oh PLAHN-tahs WEE-tye BREH-wihss
    The fact is, for too long these dirtbags have had a monopoly on this mighty tongue
    Diutius quidem haec propudia monopolio huius magnifici sermonis fruuntur
    Dih-OO-tih-uhs KWIH-dehm hike proh-POOH-dih-ah moh-noh-POH-lih-oh HOO-eeh-uhss mahg-NIH-fih-kee sehr-MOH-nihss frooh-OON-tuhr
    But now, thanks to this little book, you too can tap the awsome power of Latin to dismay the ignorant multitudes
    Nunc vero, huius libelli gratia, tu quoque potentia reverenda linguae Latinae uti potes ad indoctum vulgus consternandum
    Nuhnk WAY-roh, HOO-eeh-uhss lih-BEHL-lee GRAH-tih-ah, too KWOH-kweh poh-TAYN-tih-ah reh-weh-RAYN-dah LEEN-gwigh LAH-tih-nigh OO-tee POH-tehss ahd ihn-DOHK-tuhm WUHL-guhs kohn-stehr-NAHN-duhm
    And best of all, you’ll be able to insult and abuse one and all in perfect safety, using a language that everyone respects but practically no one understands
    Atque haec est optima ratio omnium: maledicere cunctis hominibus et contumeliam imponere satis impune poteris verbis augustis quae cum omnes magno aestimant, tum nemo ferme intellegit
    AHT-kweh hike ehst OHP-tih-mah RAH-tih-oh OHM-nih-uhm: mah-leh-DEEK-eh-reh KOONK-tees hoh-MIHN-ih-buhss eht kohn-tuh-MAY-lih-ahm ihm-POH-neh-reh SAH-tihss ihm-POO-neh poh-TEH-rihss WAYR-beese ow-GOOS-teese kwy kuhm OHM-nays MAHG-noh EYE-stih-mahnt tuhm NEH-mo FAYR-meh ihn-TEHL-leh-giht
    And as you pepper your speech with catapult-powered put-downs, remember the immortal words of Maximus as he signaled the attack in Pannonia
    Itaque cum spargis orationem tuam praepotentibus opprobriis, memento verborum immortalium quae Maximus fecit signum dans in Pannonia:
    Ih-TAH-kweh kuhm SPAHR-ghiss oh-rah-tih-OH-nehm TOO-ahm prigh-poh-TAYN-tih-buhss ohp-PROH-brih-eehs, meh-MEHN-toh wayr-BOH-ruhm ihm-mohr-TAH-lih-uhm kwigh MAHK-sih-muhss FAY-kiht SIHG-nuhm dahns ihn Pahn-NOH-nih-ah:
    Unleash hell!
    Solve lora infernis!
    SOHL-weh LOH-rah ihn-FEHR-nihss!
    And have a nice day!
    Et futue te ipsum!
    Eht FUH-too-eh tay IHP-suhm
    Latin Terms in Modern English

LEGAL LATIN


MEDICAL LATIN


POLITICAL LATIN


ECCLESIASTICAL LATIN


BOTANICAL LATIN


    Basic Latin Pronunciation Guide

VOWELS

    a if long, as in “blah”; if short, as in “rub-a-dub”
    e if long, as in “ol é”; if short as in “feh”
    i if long, as in “ ’zine”; if short as in “zit”
    o if long, as in “d’oh”; if short as in “not”
    u if long, as in “dude”; if short as in “wassup”

    There is really no simple way to tell if a vowel is long or short, but if the word is short-one syllable-treat the vowel as short. The last syllable of verb endings are almost always short. If a, i, o, or u, come at the end of a word, they’re long; if e comes at the end of a word, it’s short. If a vowel is followed by two consonants, it’s long. For other situations, pronuntia utrolibet modo! (wing it!)

DIPTHONGS

    ae as in “Thai”
    au as in “ouch”
    ei as in “hey”
    eu as in “hey, you”
    oe as in “goy”
    ui as in “ptui”

CONSONANTS

    b, d, f, h, l, m, n, and p are the same as in English. So are k and z, which are rare in Latin anyway. j, w, and the consonant y don’t exist in Latin.
    c, ch always “k.” That’s a KIGH-sahr salad you ordered. You want ANN-koh-veese with that?
    g, gn always “guh.” The Romans were fighting the GUHR-mahns, not the JUR-mahns, and when they gave the signal to attack, it was a SIHG-nuhm (trumpet blast) not a SEE-nuhm (large bowl).
    i always “yuh.” It’s thanks to YOO-lih-uhss (not JOO-lee-yuss) that we celebrate the fourth of July instead of the fourth of Quinctil.
    r you can rrroll your r’s even if they’rrre the last letterrr of a worrrrd.
    s always “sss.” The Roman fanss (not fanz) were animalss (not animalz).
    t, th always “teh.” Teh-hey teh-rew teh-hings at eak ot-teh-her during teh-he nah-tih-oh-nahl (not nashunal) ant-hem (not anthum).
    v always “w.” The wolcano that waporized Pompeii was Weh-SOO-wee-uhss.

    There are no silent letters in Latin-every vowel (unless it’s part of a two-syllable dipthong) and every consonant is always pronounced fully, and often separately. Of course, there are also no actual Romans around to give you the stink-eye when you mess up.

ILingua Latina TironibusBeginning Latin

Narratiuncula-A LITTLE STORY

    Puellae filiae agricolarum sunt
    The girls are the daughters of the farmers
    Puellae pulchrae sunt
    The girls are pretty
    Puellae nautas in via spectant
    The girls see the sailors in the street
    Nautae pulchri sunt
    The sailors are hunks
    Puellae nautas salutant
    The girls say hello to the sailors
    O malam fortunam! Nautae male mares sunt
    Too bad! The sailors are homos
    Nautae ad puellas digitos impudicos porrigunt
    The sailors give the girls the finger
    Puellae nautas appellant
    The girls call out to the sailors
    “Speramus naviculam misellam vestram ad scopulum adlisam iri summersum”
    “We hope your stupid boat hits a rock and sinks”
    Puellae in forum descendere destinant et ibi mercimonium furari
    The girls decide to go down to the mall and shoplift some stuff
    Omnes paucis annis prosedae erunt
    In a few years they will all be hookers

Latin Aptitude Test-PROBATIO LATINITATIS

    (answers below-responsa recta in ima pagina)

I. MATH – SCIENTIA MATHEMATICA

    All Gaul is divided into____________________parts
    Gallia est omnis divisa in partes____________________
    many
    multas
    good
    bonas
    small
    parvas
    warlike
    bellicosas
    Capture a Gaul and torture him until he tells you
    Torque Gallum captum donec tibi respondeat

II. VERBAL – SCIENTIA VERBORUM

    Arms and the man I sing, who first from the shores of____________________…
    Arma virumque cano____________________qui primus ab oris…
    Syracuse
    Syracusarum
    Ithaca
    Ithacae
    Albany
    Albani
    Buffalo
    Bufali
    Sacrifice a bullock to Jupiter so the test gets canceled because the teacher was struck by lightning
    Immola Iovi iuvencum ut magistro tacto de caelo probatio relinquatur
    III. EXTRA CREDIT – QUAESTIO ADDITA PRAEMII GRATIA
    Whatever it is, I fear the Greeks even when bearing____________________
    Quidquid id est, timeo Danaos et____________________ferentes
    shish kebabs
    carunculas veribus fixas
    stuffed grape leaves
    folia vitis oryza farta
    baklava
    crustula laminosa
    the check
    syngrapham
    Send a slave over later with the answer, and if he gets it wrong, lop off his ears
    Mitte brevi postea servum qui responsum referat atque si erret praecide aures ei
    I., E; II, E; III, E.

Romulus and Remus Jokes-ROMULI REMIQUE IOCULARIA

    ROMULUS: Why did the sacred chicken cross the Appian Way?
    ROMULUS: Quem ob rem pullus sacer viam Appiam transivit?
    REMUS: I do not know. Let us cut it open and see if the entrails provide an explanation for this inauspicious behavior!
    REMUS: Nescio. Eum evisceremus ut, extane ostensura sint illius infausti facti causam, comperiamus!
    ROMULUS: Why do Roman firemen wear red suspenders?
    ROMULUS: Cur gerunt siphonarii Romani retinacula rubra?
    REMUS: I do not know-let us set the city ablaze and see if their pants fall down!
    REMUS: Nescio. Urbem incendamus ut, sintne delapsurae bracae eorum, comperiamus!
    ROMULUS: Why did the Helvetian moron throw the water clock out the window?
    ROMULUS: Quare iecit caudex Helvetius clepsydram de fenestra?
    * Why did the sacred chicken cross the Appian way?
    ** I do not know. Let us cut it open and see if the entrails provide an explanation for this inauspicious behavior!
    *** I growl

    REMUS: I do not know, but I feel certain that after ten years chained to an oar as a galley slave he will be eager to reveal the reason for his rash act!
    REMUS: Nescio; pro certo tamen habeo istum, decem annos vinctum in servitio ad remum intra navem longam, cupidum futurum revelare rationem sui temerarii facti!

The Legion of Superheroes-LEGIO HEROUM MAXIMORUM

    Faster than a speeding chariot…
    Celerior quam currus festinans…
    More powerful than a Carthaginian war-elephant…
    Valentior quam elephas bellicus Punicus…
    Able to conjugate irregular verbs without making a single mistake…
    Potis anomala verba sine lapsu declinare…
    It’s Ro-Man!
    Romanus est!
    T-shirt Slogans-TITULI TUNICALES
    CARPE NAREM
    Pick your nose
    CAPE SOMNUM
    Catch some “z’s”
    CAPIAMUS CEREVISIAM
    Let’s grab a beer
    CAVE LABOREM
    Beware of work
    MORANS FAC PAUSAM UT SEDES BIROTARUM OLFACIAS
    Take time to stop and smell the bicycle seats
    PUTEO ERGO SUM
    I stink, therefore I am
    VENI, VIDI, VOMUI
    I came, I saw, I blew lunch
    SOLVE LORA INFERNIS
    Unleash hell
    OSTENDE MIHI PECUNIAM
    Show me the money
    PARENTES MEI DIMIDIUM EUROPAE DESPOLIA VERUNT. EGO TAMEN NIL ACCEPI PRAETER HANC TUNICULAM MISELLAM
    My parents plundered half of Europe and all I got was this stupid T-shirt
    ABES ETIAM A CONSILIO INSULTANDI MIHI NISI LATINE LOQUI SCIAS
    Don’t even think of dissing me unless you speak Latin
    ILLUC IVI, ILLUD FECI
    Been there, done that

Bumper Stickers-TITULI CURRULES

    I’d rather be pillaging
    Malim praedari
    I’m dumb and I vote
    Hebes sum et suffragia fero
    My child can beat the crap out of your wimpy honor student
    Filius meus puerum tuum studiosum laureatum mollem deverberare potest
    Thank you for not thanking me for not smoking
    Tibi gratias ago quod mihi gratias non agis quod fumum non comedo
    Visualize world conquest
    Habe ante oculos devictionem mundi
    Keep honking-I’m reloading
    Perge cornu canere-sclopetum repleo
    Horn broken-watch for finger
    Buccina fracta-exspecta signum digiti impudici
    Barbarian on board
    Barbarus in curru
    Proud of our brutal police
    Vigilitus nostris crudelibus gloriantes
    Stop the aqueduct, save the unicorns
    Sistite constructionem aquaeductus ut conservetis unicornes
    I brake for lunch
    Frenos inhibere soleo pransurus
    Don’t blame me-I voted for Miss Piggy
    Nolite me culpare-Suffragatus sum Erae Porcellae
    Jesus loves you-everyone else thinks you’re an asshole
    Te amat Iesus-ceteri te putant irrumatorem
    If you can read this, I lost my trailer
    Si hoc potes legere, traheam meam amisi

Reality TV-SPECTACULA TELEVISORIA VERI SIMILIA

    Celebrity Shark Attack
    Impetus Pistricum in Insignes
    Supermodel Food Fight
    Pulcherrimae Inter Se Luctantes Edulibus
    Beach Babe Lapdance Showdown
    Certamen Ultimum Saltandi Nympharum Litoralium in Genibus Virorum
    Blow Job Island
    Insula Fellatoria
    Nationwide Red Alert Hot Bod Strip Search
    Inquisitio Summa Cum Vigilantia Per Omnes Nationis Partes Diffusa Corporum Formosiorum Nudatorum
    Meet the Organ Donors
    Salvete, O Daturi Membra Post Mortem
    Baby-sitters from Hell Bring Home Animals that Kill for Fun
    Nutriculae Infernales in Domos Adducunt Feras Quae ad Delicias Interficiunt
    Big Fat Slobs Eat Shit for Cash
    Helluones Squalidi Merdam Pro Nummis Comedunt
    Who Wants to Marry a Rich Old Fart with a Terminal Disease?
    Quis Vult Nubere Peditori Capulari Diviti?

Hardball Talk Shows-DISCEPTATIONES TUMULTUOSAE

    That’s a load of bull, and you know it!
    Merae fabulae sunt, et eas esse tales scis!
    You wouldn’t know a fact if one hit you on the head!
    Rem veram non cognoscas etiamsi frontem tibi feriat!
    You’re a liberal stooge!
    Pedisequus parasiticus es popularium!
    You’re a right-wing moron!
    Stipator stultus es optimatum!
    See you next week!
    Vos revisemus post septimanam!

Ultimate Sports-LUDI EXTRAORDINARII

    Bass-fishing- Piscatus Percarum
    Let me guess-you have to drink the beer to make room in the ice chest for all the fish you catch
    Ut coniecturam faciam-necesse est tibi bibere cerevisiam ut locum in cista glaciei des piscibus captis
    It’s a keeper!
    Licet mihi hunc retinere!
    Stock car racing- Certamen Curruum Generalium
    When are they going to start running into each other and blowing up?
    Quando inter se collidentes incipient in flammas dirumpi?
    Pit stop!
    Statio restaurativa!
    Wrestling- Luctatus
    Something tells me that the mean-looking bearded guy dressed up like the Ayatollah is no match for the wily Captain America
    Suspicor illum truculentum barbatum ritu archierei Persici vestitum non esse comparem Centurioni Americano vafro
    Smashmouth! Smackdown!
    Ictus in os! Prostratio!
    Bungee jumping- Saltus de Ponte
    How dumb would you have to be to jump off a bridge with a rope tied to your foot?
    Quam vecors sit is qui de ponte saliat pedibus funiculo ligatis?
    Geronimo!
    Geronimo, geronimare!
    Snowboarding- Super Nivem Labi
    Hey dude, let’s head to the halfpipe, catch some major air, and stick some tricks!
    Heus, laute, contendamus ad canalem nivalem ut aerem oppido capientes nonnullas technas exsequamur!
    Super rad! I’m stoked!
    Maxime radicitus! Flagro!
    The Olympics- Olympia
    I’ll vote for the Greek in the wrestling if you vote for the Roman in the chariot race
    Graeco palmam dabo in certamine luctandi si Romano palmam dabis in certamine quadrigarum
    Deal!
    Fiat haec pactio!

Trash Talk in the Colosseum-CONTUMELIA IN AMPHITHEATRO FLAVIO

    You want a part of me? Bring it on!
    Visne partem mei capere? Comminus agamus!
    Are you dissing me?
    Insultasne tu miki?
    You’re yesterday’s news
    In actis diurnis iamdudum es celebratus
    You’re toast
    Mox corvos pasces
    You don’t know your ass from a catacomb
    Non possis distinguere tuum podicem a Puticulis
    Your mother is so fat, when she’s in town, Rome has eight hills
    Mater tua tam obesa est ut cum Romae est, urbs habet octo colles
    * Your mother is so fat, when she’s in town Rome has eight hills
    ** Kiss my basilisk!

    Your mother is so ugly, when the gods turned her into a pig, she thought her prayers had been answered
    Mater tua tam turpis est ut cum di eam mutaverint in porcam, suas preces putaverit eos audivisse
    Your mother is so stupid, when she found a coin with Caesar’s name on it, she tired to return it to him
    Mater tua tam stulta est ut cum invenerit nummum ferentem nomen Caesaris, huic eum restituere conata sit
    Go ahead, punk-make my day
    Age, catamite-fac mihi hunc diem felicissimum

Spring Break-FERIAE VERNALES

    Road trip!
    Iter faciamus!
    Let’s party hearty!
    Pergraecemur!
    Wet T-shirt contest!
    Certamen inter mammosas tunicis madefactis vestitas!
    Go ahead, card me. See, I’ve got a Latin ID. I’m 2,000 years old.
    Age, scrutare chartam identitatis meam. Ecce, est mihi syngraphus Latinus. Duo milia annorum sum natus.
    I’m wasted!
    Crapulentus sum!
    I’m going to hurl!
    Vomiturus sum!

Country Music Favorites-MUSICA RUSTICA FAVORABILISSIMA

    Si Telephonium Non Tintinnat, Ego Voco
    If Your Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me
    Causam Tibi Dabo Bibendi
    I’ll Give You Something to Drink About
    Quomodo Una Nocte Facta Tam Turpis Es?
    How Did You Get So Ugly Overnight?
    Si Dies Hodiernus Esset Piscis, Reicerem
    If Today Was a Fish I’d Throw it Back
    Mater Cape Malleum, Musca Sedet in Capite Patris
    Mother Get the Hammer, There’s a Fly on Papa’s Head
    Si Me Deseras, Liceatne Mihi Te Comitari?
    If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
    Quomodo Te Desiderare Potero Si Non Discesseris?
    How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
    Per Anulum Illa Trusit Digitum Medicinalem, Ac Ostendit Mihi Digitum Medium
    She Got the Ring, and I Got the Finger
    Tu Causa Es Cur Liberi Nostri Tam Turpiculi Sint
    You’re the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
    Sine Te Tam Miser Sum Ut Videaris Etiamnunc Adesse
    I’m So Miserable Without You It’s Like Having You Here
    Caput Dolet, Pedes Fetent, Iesum Non Amo
    My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, and I Don’t Love Jesus

Chilling Out-SERMO OTIOSORUM

    Wassup?
    Quagis?
    Nothin’, watching the game
    Nihil ago, ludos specto
    True, true
    Vero, vero
    It’s off the hook
    Ab unco remotumst
    Talk to the hand, the face don’t understand
    Adloquere manum, facies nescit quid velis
    Black togas are cool
    Togae atrae lepidae sunt
    Want to see my sword collection?
    Vin’ aspicere collectum gladiorum meum?
    I’m thinking of taking a catapult into the school cafeteria…
    Cogito ferre catapultam in cenationem scholae…

Graffiti-INSCRIPTIONES LATRINALES

    Make love, not war-hell, get married, do both
    Suscipite amorem, non bellum-eheu, iuncti matrimonio, suscipite utrumque
    Procrastinate now
    Procrastina rem nunc
    Flush twice, it’s a long way to Texas
    Evacua cratera latrinalem bis, Texas procul est
    If it has tits, tires, or testicles, it’s nothing but trouble
    Mammeatae, rotalia, testiculati, omni modo molesta sunt
    Gods are dead
    Di mortui sunt
    Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder
    Cervesia pota, pulchritudo cernitur
    Yankee, go home-and take me with you
    Americani, redite domum-ducentes me vobiscum
    If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
    Si quidem animalia nobis edenda non sunt, quare constant ex carne?
    There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can’t
    Sunt genera tria hominum: illi qui numerare possunt, et illi qui non possunt
    It is as bad as you think, and they are out to get you
    Res tam malae sunt quam putas, et inimici re vera te persequuntur
    Why don’t psychics ever win the lottery?
    In sortitionibus donativis, cur numquam praemia consequuntur sortilegi?
    Aunt Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog-Dorothy
    Amita Aemilia: Te Kansiamque odi, Canem mecum abduco-Dorothea
    If walking is so good for you, why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut?
    Si quidem pedibus ire tam salubre corpori est, cur similis est noster tabellarius forma illi Iabbae Hutico?
    Kill Barney
    Interfice Arcturulum, istum mimum personatum portentosum purpureum palaeozoicum

Road Rage-IRA IN VIA

    Where did you learn to drive-fleeing from Huns?
    Ubi didicisti gubernare currum? In fuga ab Hunnis?
    That’s it, numbnuts. Pull out in front of me, then slow down when you get to the light.
    Euge, enervate eunuche! Ingredere in orbitam meam prae me, tum reprime cursum cum biviali lucernae approprinquas.
    Now speed up when I try to pass you, and as I go by, give me the finger.
    Nunc, accelera cum conor te praeterire, mihique praetereunti ostende digitum impudicum.
    Okay, tailgater-time for a brake check
    Em, ichneumon-tempus est sufflamina temptare
    Big car, little dick
    Currus magnus, mentula minuscula
    You know what S.U.V.s and hemorrhoids have in common? Every asshole has one.
    Scisne quid commune superlativa urbana vehicula cum haemorrhoidis habeant? Est unum ex his utrisque malis cuique pathico.
    * That’s it, numbnuts! Pull out in front of me, then slow down when you get to the light!
    ** Where did you learn to drive? Fleeing from Huns?

    Lady, if you’re going to sit there all day yakking on your cell phone, why don’t you stick a steering wheel on your living room wall and just stay home?
    Muliercula, si vis ibi sedens garrire totum diem in Nokiam tuam, quidni rotam adfigens gubernalem ad murum conclavis domi maneas?
    What are you saving those pretty little turn signals for-Christmas?
    Quod ad tempus reservas ista lumina pulchella praemonitoria-ad Saturnalia?
    No, Mr. Busybody, I am not handicapped, but you will be if you don’t move your nosy butt out of that parking place, pronto
    Minime, ardelio, nullo modo debilis sum, sed fies tu quidem, si clunes tuas curiosas non removeris protinam ab illa statione
    Don’t boot my car!
    Noli caligam in rotam currus mei adfigere!
    I am too allowed in the car pool lane! See, I’m not alone. I suffer from multiple personality disorder.
    Certe mihi licet vehi in orbita seposita curribus repletis. Ecce, non solus sum. Legio mihi nomen est, quia multi sumus.
    There are three of us here. I want to drive! No, it’s my turn! No fair, what about me? Me me me!
    Adsunt tres. Volo gubernare! Immo, ordo memet vocat! Iniquum est! Quid de me? Me me me!
    Does that Breathalyzer have a Latin setting?
    Potestne illa machina pneumatodocimastica ad linguam Latinam accommodari?
    I have Vatican diplomatic immunity. If you give me a ticket, you’re going to end up cooling your heels in The Hague in a jail cell full of Yugoslavian war criminals.
    Sedes Romana Sacra mihi diplomaticam immunitatem tribuit. Si me vocaveris in ius, aetatem tuam deges Hagae Comitis, conditus in carcerem refertum Iugoslavorum condemnatorum de bellum contra ius gentium gerendo.

Air Rage-IRA IN AËRE

    Do you have nail-clipper-sniffing dogs?
    Habetisne canes quae forficulas unguales olfacere possunt?
    I think that guy with a napkin on his noggin has a catapult in his shoe
    Credo illum mantelium in capite gerentem occultavisse catapultam in caliga
    Hey, pal, is that carry-on luggage or did you just sack Carthage?
    Heia, amice, utrum illae sunt sarcinae tuae, an modo Carthaginem despoliasti?
    Say, miss, didn’t you used to work for Con Air?
    Dic mihi, domnicella, nonne te conducebat aëria classis quae condemnatos transportabat?
    You know, even galley slaves were served meals
    Nempe cibus dabatur etiam servis navalibus
    If there’s an accident, I’m going to charge people to use this exit
    Si de caelo cadere incipiamus, vectores pretium pro usu huius exitus poscam

Warning Labels-SCHEDAE MONITORIAE

    Your nose may fall off
    Fieri potest ut nasus tuus decidat
    You may develop hot-dog fingers
    Fieri potest ut digiti tui formam tomaculorum sumant
    Your head may explode
    Fieri potest ut caput tuum displodatur
    Your brain may turn to mush
    Fieri potest ut cerebrum tuum liquefiat
    You may start babbling in Latin
    Fieri potest ut Latine blaterare incipias

II Lingua Latina MediaIntermediate Latin

Caesar’s PowerPoint Presentation-CAESAR TIBI PROPOSITA MAXIMI MOMENTI PRAEFERT

I

    Argumentum

    Gallia, terra in partes tres divisa
    *Cisalpina
    *Transalpina
    *Oblitus sum tertiae

    Topic

    Gaul, a country with three parts
    *Northern Italy
    *France
    *I forget

II

    Consilium

    *Visere
    *Videre
    *Vincere

    Plan

    *Make a visit
    *Have a look-see
    *Take it over

III

    Sequelae

    *De bello stultum librum scribam
    *A nonnullis irrumatoribus occidar in Foro
    *Acetaria et mensis accipient a me nomina

    Follow-up

    *Write a stupid book about it
    *Get assassinated in the forum by a bunch of assholes
    *Salad and month get named after me

IV

    Conclusio

    *Faciam ut animus meus scrutetur
    *Quid illa femella Cleopatra?

    Conclusions

    *Get head examined
    *What about that Cleopatra dame?

Top 10 Reasons to Live in the Time of the Caesars DECEM OPTIMAE RATIONUM CUR IN AEVO CAESARUM VIVERE IUCUNDIUS ESSET

    X. Calculus won’t be invented for another fifteen hundred years
    Calculus differentialis non invenietur intra mille quingentos annorum

    IX. When you’re late on a rainy day, you can always blame the sundial
    Si sub Iove pluvioso serius advenias, tu culpare semper potes horologium solare

    VIII. If you piss off one god, you’ve still got 600 left
    Si deum irrites unum, sescenti tibi iam supersint

    VII. Actors are treated like dirt
    Histriones foede tractantur

    VI. Athletes who complain about their pay end up in an urn
    Athletae qui queruntur de mercedibus mox in urnas funduntur

    V.Scumbags who get the death penalty think they got off light
    Scelesti mortis damnati se leviores poenas pensuros reuntur

    IV. The likeliest place to find some pushy Christian preacher is inside a lion
    Veri simillimum est, locum in quo praedicatorem Christianum protervum invenies, ventrem leoninum esse

    III. The French are an ignorant bunch of servile peasants living in smelly huts, and the Germans are getting their asses kicked
    Gens Gallorum inerudita servilis agrestis est, in tuguriis foetidis habitans, et Germani vapulant

    II. A healthy diet consists of waiting to see if the food taster dies before having anything to eat
    Diaeta salubris est, antequam aliquid cenes, observare an moriatur praegustator

    I. Everyone is always dressed for a toga party
    Omnès amiciuntur semper togis quasi convivium agitaturi

That Old-Time Religion-ILLA RELIGIO PRISCA

    Actually, I’m a born-again pagan
    Re vera, cultor denuo renatus deorum Romanorum antiquorum sum
    I get to worship whomever I like, including SpongeBob SquarePants
    Licet mihi venerari pro deo quemlibet, etiam SpongoRobertum QuadratoBracatum
    I always ask myself, What would Julius Caesar do?
    Me semper rogo, Quid faceret Iulius Caesar?
    No, as far as miracles go, this “J. C.” never raised the dead, but he certainly lowered a lot of the living
    Immo, si de miraculis agitur, ille “I Ce” nullos mortuos ad vitam revocavit, sed tamen multos vivos ad mortem sane misit
    We’re having a prayer breakfast down at the pistol range
    Ientabimus, precatione facta, in campo manuballistulario
    I am a firm believer in tough hate
    Mihi persuasum est odisse acerbe
    * Love thy neighbors, and to show you really mean it, send 50,000 heavily armed soldiers to knock on their door and ask in the nicest possible way if they’d like to join your empire.

    Do unto others, but do it first
    Fac hominibus aliis, atqui fac prius
    Blessed are the poor, because they leave so much more money for the rest of us
    Beati pauperes, quoniam tanto plus pecuniae nobis reliquis relinquunt
    Blessed are the meek, because we can cut in front of them in lines
    Beati mites, quoniam istis in ordine stantibus anteponere nosmet ipsos possumus
    If someone smites you on the cheek, turn the other cheek and see what kind of a smiter he is with a bloody stump
    Si quis te percusserit in dexteram maxillam tuam, praebe illi alteram ut possis cognoscere quam fortiter percussurus sit bracchio truncato cruento
    Love thy neighbors, and to show you really mean it, send 50,000 heavily armed soldiers to knock on their door and ask in the nicest possible way if they’d like to join your empire
    Dilige proximos tuos, utque illis ostendas te re vera diligere, mitte decem legiones quae ianuas pulsent et quam dulcissime ab illis quaerant, num velint in tuum imperium recipi
    The theory of evolution is baloney. Everyone knows the whole universe came out of Saturn’s nostrils
    Theoria Darwiniana evolutionis specierum absurda est. Constat inter omnes universitatem rerum ab naribus Saturni venisse
    Of course I can speak in tongues, but I prefer Latin
    Sane loqui variis linguis possum sicut Apostoli die Pentecostes, sed malo Latine loqui
    Let’s say grace: O gods, thank you for permitting us to gobble this food the way Caesar gobbled up half of Europe. Amen.
    Precemur. O di, gratias vobis agimus, quod nos sinitis hunc cibum sic devorare quo modo C. Iulius Caesar dimidiam partem Europae devoravit. Finis.

Mob Banter-CAVILLATIO SODALIUM

    It fell off the back of a truck, capeesh?
    De extremo plaustro excidit; comprehendisne mente quod dico?
    You got a problem with that, paysan?
    Num de hoc dubitas, compagane?
    Whatsamatter you?
    Quid te sollicitat?
    Fuhgeddaboutit
    Eice id ex animo
    Geddouttahere
    Noli mecum nugari
    God forbid, a piano should fall on your head
    Dii prohibeant ne clavicinium in caput tuum delabatur

New Age Discourse-SERMO NEOMYSTICUS

    Meditate on this, pal
    Meditare de hoc, amice
    Do you know the yoga position where you put your head between your legs and kiss your ass good-bye?
    Scisne schema gymnosophisticum per quod, capite inter femora flexo, iubentur basio valere clunes?
    Did a dish of potpourri just catch fire, or did someone light up a joint?
    Utrum patella florum siccatorum ignem modo concepit, an aliquis accendit sarcinulam cannabis?
    Man, that shit is potent-I am like totally in the subjunctive
    Mehercle, illa materia tam valida est ut funditus in modo subiunctivo sim
    I’ve got the munchies! Pizza pizza!
    Esurio! Libum Neapolitanum!

Hollywood Latin-SERMO LATINUS ACUIFOLIIS

    I love it, I love it, I love it!
    Id amo, id amo, id amo!
    Make the mother the father, change the cat to a dog, and lose the kid with cancer
    Muta matrem in patrem, converte felem in canem, amitte puerum cancerosum
    And replace all the love scenes with car chases and set it in the Hamptons instead of the Civil War
    Substitue autem persecutiones curriles pro episodiis eroticis, et conloca dramatis actionem in Hamtunis in vicem temporis Belli Civilis Americani
    Wait, the girl in the copy room hated it!
    Siste, puella in scriptorio xerographico fabulam oderat!
    I’m putting it in turnaround
    Hoc scriptum in purgatorium committo
    Pasadena
    Praetermitto
    You’ll never eat lunch in this town again
    Numquam in hoc oppido prandebis iterum

Sushi Bar Chitchat-SERMO IN TABERNA IAPONICA PULPAMENTORUM INCOCTORUM MARINORUM

    No mackerel, no eel, and no slab of cold egg crud
    Mihi nullus scomber, nulla anguilla, nullum frustum ovorum frictorum frigidorum
    When I snap apart the chopsticks, do I make a wish?
    Estne mos homini findenti virgulas prehensorias aliquod optatum declarare?
    What’s the deal with the little strip of green plastic with the fringe on top?
    Quapropter in catillum poni solet illa taeniola plastica viridis fimbrata?
    More tuna, please, and another California roll
    Da mihi plus de thunno, sodes, et alterum volumen Californicum
    How do you get the little piece of fish to stick to the rice ball?
    Quo modo cogitur segmentulum piscis globo oryzae adhaerere?
    Are those knives as sharp as they look?
    Suntne illi cultri tam acuti quam esse videntur?
    You guys make great cars!
    Vos vehicula praestantia fabricamini!
    Sorry about those atom bombs!
    Me paenitet illorum pyrobolorum atomicorum!
    Thank you very much!
    Vobis plurimas gratias ago!

Computer Language-SERMO LATINUS COMPUTATORIUS

    Download the goddamn file, you bug-ridden piece of shit
    Assume plicam damnatam, o tu moles muscaria muscerdarum
    If you freeze one more time, you’re going straight to the landfill
    Si denuo congeles, confestim ibis in fossam purgamentorum
    Yeah? Well I’ve got an error message for you, fuckhead-you’re about to be shut down improperly with a ball-peen hammer
    Sicine? Nunc age, tibi nuntium erroris habeo, stuprator-mox improprie sopieris malleolo

Car Talk-DISCEPTATIO DE CURRIBUS

    It’s a hunk of junk!
    Acervus inutilium est!
    That car is so ugly, you’d have to put a pork chop on the backseat to get the dog to ride in it
    Iste currus tam turpis est ut necesse tibi sit ponere offam porcinam in sede postrema ut persuadeas cani ut vehatur eo
    You deserve a dopeslap for buying it!
    Eum tam imprudenter comparando meruisti alapam!
    If the rattle gets too bad, wear earmuffs
    Nimium si strepat, indue operimenta tuis auribus
    Of course you think you can repair it-you’re a moron!
    Scilicet putas te currum reficere posse-stipes es!
    Whatever it is, it’s going to cost you five hundred bucks, if that’s what it is
    Quodcumque est, Ioachimicis tibi quingentis constabit, siquidem est, quod esse creditur
    Try putting it in neutral and pushing it off a cliff
    Vide quid eventurum sit si, dinexo ingranagio, currum e scopulo pepuleris
    Keep in mind, people in the rearview mirror are even stupider than they appear
    Tene memoria, viatores conspectos in speculo retrospicienti stultiores esse quam videntur
    And remember, don’t drive like my brother!
    Et memento, noli agere currum ut frater meus!

B.S.-BUBULUM STERCUS

    A coyote whose habitat was destroyed by urban sprawl ate my homework
    Suo tractu operto suburbio extenso, canis latrans domicilium meum ingressus praescriptum domesticum mihi devoravit
    Due to global warming, my homework spontaneously combusted
    Orbe terrarum nimium calefacto combustione hydrogonanthracum, pensum meum domesticum sua sponte flammam concepit
    My homework was seized as evidence by mistake by DEA agents in a drug bust at the wrong address
    In domum meam perperam incurrentes, vigiles qui exsequuntur usum medicamentorum illicitorum nimis studiosi pensum domesticum pro testimonio iniuste abstulerunt
    My homework was forcibly recycled by eco-terrorists
    Praescriptum meum domesticum per vim in fibras redactum est a sodalitate quae terrore pro Terra utitur
    * My homework contracted mad homework disease and had to be destroyed.
    ** Bullshit!

    My homework contracted mad homework disease and had to be destroyed
    Necesse erat pensum domesticum meum, quod incidit in rabiem pensi deleri
    Strict zoning codes enacted by the town board make it illegal for me to work at home
    Praescriptis severis de aedificiorum usu decretis a decurionibus municipalibus, mihi non licet operari domi
    Because of a lack of statewide standards, the Supreme Court ruled 5-4 that I had to stop doing my homework immediately
    Normis civitati universae deficientibus, quinque ex iudicibus Tribunalis Supremi decreverunt, quattuor negantibus, ut pensum statim deponerem

Small Talk during a Colonoscopy-COLLOCUTIO INTER COLONOSCOPIAM

    Now I know how a Muppet feels
    Nunc novi quid Manipupa sentiat
    Any sign of the trapped miners?
    Conspicisne metallicos sepultos?
    Are you there yet? Are you there yet? Are you there yet?
    Advenistine? Advenistine? Advenistine?
    Could you provide me with an affidavit stating that my head is not, in fact, up there?
    Potesne mihi testimonium impertire adfirmans caput meum reapse non infixum esse podici?

Medical Confab-CONFABULATIO CUM MEDICO

    I’m afraid I have some bad news, doc
    Vereor ne tristem tibi nuntium adferam, medice
    I’ve noticed you have no concept of time-I’ve been waiting for over an hour
    Animadverti te nullam notionem temporis habere-nam plus quam unam horam tibi praestolatus sum
    Your handwriting on prescriptions is totally illegible and shows signs of dementia
    Chirographum tuum quasi demens in medicamentorum praescriptis nemo legere potest
    Your manner is oddly distracted
    Te geris mirum in modum neglegenter
    You have an extremely strange sense of humor
    Inusitatissima iocaris
    Your fees are insane
    Mercedes tuae insanae sunt
    I think you have a brain tumor
    Puto te tuber in cerebro alere
    I’ll stop in again in a year and see how you’re doing
    Reveniam ad annum ut cognoscam de valetudine tua
    Hang in there!
    Perfer et obdura!

Homeland Security-SALUS PATRIAE

    I’d open these bills, but I’m afraid they may contain anthrax
    Has epistulas debitorum solutionem poscentes aperirem, sed metuo ne bacilli anthracis insint
    The bad news is, the Martians have landed and, boy, are they mean; the good news is they hate Arabs and they piss gasoline
    Tristis nuntio Martios descendisse et, eheu, truculentos esse, sed laetus nuntio illos odisse Arabes oleumque octanum meiere
    If you don’t give me this putt, the terrorists win
    Nisi mihi hunc puteolum concedis, phobistae vincunt
    If I can’t get a decent table at a top restaurant on short notice, the terrorists have won
    Nisi mensam opimam in popina optima extemplo accumbere possum, phobistae vicerunt
    If you won’t sleep with me, the terrorists will have won
    Nisi mecum concubueris, phobistae vicerint
    Get out the duct tape-I’m about to fart!
    Effer fasciam adhaesivam-mox pedam!

Useful Phrases for Barbarian Evildoers-LOCUTIONES UTILES MALEFACTORIBUS BARBARIS

    I surrender! Please do not fire your catapult!
    Me dedo! Quaeso, noli iacere tela ballista!
    There is no anti-Roman sentiment here!
    Hic nemo est quin Romam amet!
    We love your big chariots, fast food, and violent culture!
    Amamus vestras currus immanes, cibum festinanter paratum, et cultum saevum!
    We hate our wicked and corrupt leaders!
    Odimus duces nostros improbos pravosque!
    We welcome you as liberators, not conquerors!
    Vos non victores, sed liberatores salutamus!
    We never liked that dirty old city-it’s so much nicer as rubble!
    Istam urbem squalidam senescentem numquam dileximus-confracta, multo magis nobis placet!
    * We love your big chariots, fast food, and violent culture!
    ** We hate our wicked and corrupt leaders!
    *** We’d much rather be ruled by a distant emperor, even if he’s a nitwit!

    We’d much rather be ruled by a distant emperor, even if he’s a nitwit!
    Multo malimus ab imperatore remoto regi, etiamsi frutex sit!
    If you see anything you like, don’t hesitate to take it!
    Si quid videtis quo delectamini, agite, capite sine mora!
    We’ll be sure to let you know if any Huns come this way!
    Curabimus ut sciatis num ulli Hunni appropinquent hac via!
    Have a really nice epoch!
    Sit vobis aetas felicissima!

Game Boy Chatter-HORTAMINA PUERORUM LUDENTIUM ENCHIRIDIIS LUSORIIS

    Taste laser death, alien insect scum!
    Oppetite mortem lumine amplificato stimulata emissione radiorum, cimices extraterrestriales foedi!
    Eat hot lead, Nazi zombie robot commandos!
    Vescimini glandibus plumbi candentis, velites nationalisticosocialistici cadaverosi automatarii!
    Feel the keen edge of the sword of doom, no-good, stinking, corpse-eating tomb-ghouls!
    Sentite aciem acrem ensis mortiferi, o larvae putidae, o bustirapi nefandi!
    I am going to program a simulation of the Roman Empire and rule it unjustly, cruelly, and incompetently!
    Mihi est in animo programmare simulationem imperii Romani quam iniuste, atrociter, imperite regam!
    Tax the poor!
    Impone vectigalia pauperibus!
    Bribe the senators!
    Corrumpe pecunia senatores!
    Rig the elections!
    Falle comitia!
    Screw minorities!
    Defrauda nationes minores in tua civitate!
    Pack the courts with obedient dunces!
    Stipa basilicas stipitibus obsequentibus!
    Arrest protestors on trumped-up charges!
    Infer commenta crimina seditiosis apprehensis!
    Invade other countries pretty much at random!
    Infer forte temere bellum aliis gentibus!
    What could possibly go wrong?
    Quid nobis infeliciter fieri potest?

Modern Vatican Latin-SERMO LATINUS HODIERNUS IN VATICANO

    On the advice of counsel, I have decided to testify in Latin
    Iurisconsultus mihi suasit ut testimonium dicerem Latine
    My patron saint, Miranda, appeared to me in a vision and told me to remain silent
    Patrona mea, Sancta Miranda, apparens mihi somnio me iussit tacere
    Whom are you going to believe, me or some snot-nosed little boy, no matter how cute?
    Utri vos convenit credere? Mihi, an nescio cui puero parvulo muculento, quamlibet pulchellus sit?
    Look, these legal fees are putting quite a dent in the old collection plate
    En, mercedes iurisperitorum discum eleemosynarium vero vacuefaciunt
    What if I say one million Our Fathers and a couple hundred thousand Hail Marys and we just call it even?
    Si Orationum Dominicarum decies centena milia recitabo, Salutationumque Beatae Mariae bis vel ter ducena milia, eritne satis?
    The devil made me do it!
    Diabolus me coegit peccare!

Learned Latin for Lovers-SERMO LATINUS DOCTUS AMATORIBUS

    I’m only repeating a query that dates back to the Chaldeans, but may I ask, what is your sign?
    Si modo licet mihi te rogare idem quod antiqui Chaldaei suas puellas rogare solebant-quo signo nata es?
    I think it was Pliny the Elder-or was it Pliny the Younger?-who first pioneered the concept of self-introduction by way of the purchase of a libation, and it is really in homage to him that I am moved to offer to buy you a drink
    Credo Gaium Plinium Secundum Maiorem-aut Gaium Plinium Caecilium Secundum Minorem-instituisse ut vir, qui se notiorem puellae facere vellet, ei aliquid liquoris Lyaei compararet; itaque in commemorationem illius iuvat potiunculam tibi praebere
    Cicero phrased it best, and I am merely quoting the master when I am driven to remark, “Nice tits.”
    Hoc Marcus Tullius optime verbis expressit, neque profero alia quam ipsissima verba optimi omnium oratorum cum adsevero te venustas habere mammas
    * Cicero phrased it best, and I am merely quoting the master when I am driven to remark, “Nice tits.”
    ** It is required of you to go fuck yourself.

    Just as Aeneas inquired of Dido in Book Four of the Aeneid after stating his desire to install his obelisk in her temple of love, your place or mine?
    A te quaeso, sicut in Aeneidos libro quarto Aeneas, elocutus desiderium erigendi suum obeliscum in templo Venereo Didonis, ab ea quaesivit, tuae domi an meae?
    In the deathless words of the great philosopher-emperor Marcus Aurelius, of course I will respect you in the morning
    Si me decet immortalia verba usurpare Marci Aurelii, imperatoris illustris philosophici, certe apud me in honore eris, cras mane

Classical Kiss-offs-VALEDICTIONES ANTIQUAE

    Kiss my basilisk
    Basia basiliscum meum
    Bite my zither
    Morde citharam meam
    Lick my licorice stick
    Linge bacillum glycyrrhizae meum
    Suck my aqueduct
    Suge meum aquaeductum
    Tune my lap trumpet
    Tempera tubam quam in sinu fero
    Lollipop my toga lizard
    Liguri lacertam quae sub toga mea vivit
    Lip-read my trouser scroll
    Lege labris volumen inguinale mihi

III Sermo Latinus EruditusAdvanced Latin

Useful Syntax-SYNTAXIS UTILIS

IMPERATIVE

    Futue te ipsum
    Go fuck yourself
    IMPERFECT SUBJUNCTIVE EXPRESSING A WISH FOR THE PRESENT
    Utinam tete futueres
    Would that you would go fuck yourself
    FIRST SUPINE EXPRESSING A WISH FOR THE PRESENT WITH VERBS OF MOTION
    I fututum te ipsum
    Go in order to fuck yourself
    INFINITIVE WITH IMPERSONAL VERB
    Te oportet futuere tete
    It behooves you to go fuck yourself
    PASSIVE PERIPHRASTIC
    Tu tibi futuendus (futuendave) es
    It is required of you to go fuck yourself
    POTENTIAL SUBJUNCTIVE
    Velim te futuas
    I should like you to fuck yourself
    SUBSTANTIVE CLAUSE OF PURPOSE
    Te rogo ut futuas te ipsum
    I beseech you to fuck yourself
    GENITIVE OF PURPOSE
    I tete futuendi gratia
    Go for the sake of fucking yourself
    FUTURE CONDITIONAL, LESS VIVID
    Si te futuas, gaudeam
    If you should go fuck yourself, I would rejoice
    FUTURE CONDITIONAL, MORE VIVID
    Se te futueris gaudebo
    If you will have gone and fucked yourself, I will rejoice
    PRESENT CONDITIONAL, CONTRARY TO FACT
    Si te futueres, gauderem
    If you were fucking yourself, I would be rejoicing
    PAST CONDITIONAL, CONTRARY TO FACT
    Se te futuisses, gavisus (gavisave) essem
    If you had fucked yourself, I would have rejoiced
    FUTURE PARTICIPLE DENOTING INTENTION OR LIKELIHOOD
    Tete fututure, te saluto
    You who are about to go fuck yourself, I salute you
    FUTURE IMPERATIVE
    Tete futuito
    Make it your policy to fuck yourself
    ABLATIVE ABSOLUTE
    Te fututo, gaudeo
    You having been fucked, I rejoice

    You Know You May Be a Roman If…SCIAS TE FORTASSE ROMANUM ESSE SI…
    … you often forget what you were going to say before you get to the verb
    … saepe quid habeas in animo dicere priusquam ad verbum pervenias, obliviscaris
    … you think only superstitious sissies are afraid of volcanoes
    … credas molles superstitiosos solos timere montes Volcanios
    … you can eat and have sex at the same time
    … simul cenare et futuere possis
    … you have ever used a chariot in a bar fight
    … umquam in taberna curru proeliatus sis
    … you never make major business decisions without first cutting open a sheep
    … nunquam de negotio magni momenti decernas sine extispicio
    … your most recent domestic crisis was a slave revolt
    … discrimen apud te recentissimum tumultus fuerit servilis
    … you know anyone who married his own mother or was raised by wolves
    … quempiam cognoscas qui matrem suam in matrimonium duxerit vel sit a lupis alitus
    … you have a statue of yourself holding a sword in one hand and the severed head of a Belgian in the other
    … possideas statuam tui, tenentem manu dextra gladium, manu sinistra caput amputatum Belgae
    … you compliment the chef by throwing up
    … coquum vomendo in mensam conlaudes
    … you have a personal poisoner on your staff
    … unus ex officialibus tuis propriis est venenarius
    … the only vegetarian you ever met had hooves
    … numquam phytophagis occurreris nisi ungulatis
    … your idea of a party animal is a goat
    … animal convivialissimum arbitreris esse caprum
    … your car has sword blades welded to its wheels
    … habeas currum falcatum
    … there are usually about three hundred other people in the tub when you take a bath
    … plerumque, cum laveris, adsint in calidario tecum alii fere trecenti
    … you think it would be really cool to be Greek
    … putes esse lepidissimum Graecari
    … you stay home all day if you see a woodpecker over your left shoulder or hear an owl
    … domi maneas totum diem cum post tergum conspicias a sinistra picum, vel audias bubonem
    … you’re never surprised to discover that the guy running the empire is a moron, a pervert, or a lunatic
    … numquam admireris te invenire gubernatorem imperii fatuum esse, vel pravum, vel vesanum

Restaurant ’Tude-BILIS IN POPINA

    My name is Sir-I’ll be your customer tonight
    Nomen mihi est Dominus-hodie vobiscum cenabo
    My sign is, I sign the check
    Natus sum signo signantis syngrapham
    The only thing I wish to know about you is where the hell you are when I want something
    De te scire volo solum ubi gentium sis cum alicuius indigeam
    If those entrées are so special, why aren’t they on the menu?
    Si quidem illa fercula tantum praestant, cur in epularum indice non sunt?
    Exactly how fresh is that pepper?
    Quam recenter lectum est hoc piper?
    Why do you put it in a mill the size of a war-trumpet?
    Quamobrem id ponis in molina tanta quanta tuba est?
    This is indeed a very impressive wine list, if you’re in the mood for a bottle of grape-flavored rust remover that costs as much as a new sofa
    Haec tabula vinorum grandia pollicetur cuicumque sit in animo bibere ex ampulla liquoris qui sapit uvas et solvit ferruginem et stat tanti quanti lectus novus
    My compliments to the chef-the empire lost a truly inspired poisoner when he decided to go to cooking school
    Summam coquo laudem tribuo-imperium venefico ingeniosissimo privatum est cum ille scholam coquinariam obire statuit
    No dessert, thanks, unless it contains the antidote
    Benigne, secundam mensam non requiro, nisi antidotum continet
    I’d have written in a smaller tip but there is no Roman numeral for a nickel
    In syngrapha munusculum minus inscripsissem, sed non est littera Romana quae Ioachimici vicesimam significat
    I’ll be sure to recommend this place to my friends
    Zago, zagas, zagat

Winespeak-DICTA ARBITRI VINI

    It’s an intense chalky white marked by overtones of turpentine and lead, with a bright, long-lasting finish
    Vinum peralbum cretosum est, resinam terebinthinam et cerussam redolens, nec sine polimine nitido durabili
    It’s a pointless little red wine with a unique balance of ignorance and pretension made by an obnoxious millionaire Napa Valley dilettante for self-important dumb-lucky dickheads just like him
    Vinum irritum pusillum rubrum est, incomparabiliter librans ignorantiam suam cum ostentatione, a quodam Trimalchione Napaensi confectum salaputiis gloriosis immerito fortunatis, persimilibus sui
    It’s a dirt-cheap head-banging screw-top bum wine that I poured into a leftover bottle with a fancy French label while no one was looking
    Vappa vilissima est, quae capitis dolores facit, quamque ex lagona obturamento versatili clausa in lagunculam reliquam, cui pittacium Gallicum speciosum affixum erat, transfudi, dum nemo me spectabat
    * It’s a dirt-cheap head-banging screw-top bum wine that I poured into a leftover bottle with a fancy French label while no one was looking.
    ** My compliments to the chef-the empire lost a truly inspired poisoner when he decided to go to cooking school.

The Bestseller List-TABULA LIBRORUM VENDIBILISSIMORUM

    Quick and Easy Decorating Secrets That Let You Turn a Rustic Hovel into a Charming Country Home without Busting Your Budget by Vitruvius
    Artis Ornatus Arcana Per Quae Casa Tua Rustica Celeriter Expediteque Converti Potest in Villam Venustam Sine Sumptu Extra Modum Vitruvius Pollio scripsit
    Toujours, Gaul by Julius Caesar
    Semper, Gallia C. Iulius Caesar scripsit
    Eat Right-for that Lean and Hungry Look! by Cassius
    Edi Recte-ut Speciem Macram et Ieiunam Geras auctore C. Cassio Longino
    Great-Tasting Hot Meals Your Slaves Can Whip Up in Two Days or Less by Cato the Elder
    Edulia Calida Sapidissimaque quae Familia Tua Potest Parare Duobus Diebus vel Uno M. Porcius Cato descripsit
    Cleopatra’s Hour-a-Day Bun-Firming Love-Muscle Sexercise Workout by Mark Antony
    De Cleopatrae Callipygiana Exercitatione Aphrodisiaca Per Unam Horam in Singulos Dies Musculorum Venereorum M. Antonius scripsit
    Letters to My Cat by Pliny the Younger
    Epistulae ad Felem Suam quas C. Plinius Caecilius Secundus scripsit
    What Color is Your Catapult? by Frontinus
    Cuius Coloris est Catapulta Tua? Sextus Iulius Frontinus scripsit
    Oracles Say the Darnedest Things by Livy
    Oraculis Inusitatissima Enuntiantur Titus Livius scripsit
    Entrail Reading for Dummies by Cicero
    Haruspicium Stipitibus Explicat M. Tullius Cicero
    Men Are from Troy, Women Are from Greece by Virgil
    E Troia Viri, Ex Graecia Feminae Oriuntur P. Virgilius Maro scripsit
    Now You Can Lose Weight without Vomiting with the Revolutionary Lark’s Tongue Diet by Apicius
    Nunc Adipem Deponere Potes Sine Vomitu per Diaetam Novam atque Inauditam Quae Linguarum Alaudarum Esum Praescribit L. Apicius scripsit

Latin for Trekkies-SERMO LATINUS SECTATORIBUS PEREGRINATIONIS ASTRALIS

    Our shields are down to 25 percent and those stupid sparks are coming out of all the control panels!
    Scutorum nostrorum potestatis remanet solummodo quarta pars, et istae scintillae ridiculae ex omnibus claviaturis gubernatoriis evolant!
    We’re being controlled by a subordinating conjunction of time implying purpose or intent
    Coercemur coniunctione subiunctiva temporali quae propositum vel intentionem significat
    Resistance is futile. Prepare to be assimilated into the subjunctive.
    Resistere irritum est. Praeparate vos ad translationem in modum subiunctivum.
    It’s our only hope. Activate the transitive verbs and engage the ablative of separation.
    Hoc sola spes nobis est. Verbis transitivis citis, adhibe casum ablativum separationis.
    We’re entering the future perfect indicative. We’ll only have one chance to achieve a case shift.
    Intramus tempus futurum perfectum modo indicativo. Unam tantum occasionem habebimus mutandi casum.
    We’re slipping into the passive. Quick, reroute all available power to the verb endings.
    In genus passivum labimur. Inmitte cito impetum omnem quem in promptu habemus in terminationes verborum.
    We have entered. We shall have entered! Do be entering!
    Intravimus! Intraverimus! Intratote!
    To be continued…
    Narratio resumetur…

Attack Ads-PRAECONIUM PROCAX CANDIDATORUM

    Ask my opponent why he wants to put a tax on Bibles and American flags to buy gourmet meals for convicted murderers
    Quaerite a competitore meo cur vectigal Bibliis Sacris et vexillis Americanis imponere velit ad epulas comparandas homicidis condemnatis
    Call my opponent and demand that he stop accepting campaign contributions from operators of nursing-home casinos, publishers of pornographic children’s books, and owners of Mexican puppy mills
    Vocantes competitorem meum poscite ut desinat accipere ad ambitionem alendam dona vel ab eis qui virginibus puerisque libros edunt Sotadicos, vel ab eis qui aleatoria in gerontocomiis apparant, vel ab eis qui catellos in Hispania Nova immodice alunt
    * Ask my opponent why he wants to put a tax on Bibles and American flags to buy gourmet meals for convicted murderers
    ** Tell my opponent you oppose his plan to sponsor a law forcing Sunday schools to hire unemployed bilingual homosexual drug addicts

    Tell my opponent you oppose his plan to sponsor a law forcing Sunday schools to hire unemployed bilingual homosexual drug addicts
    Dicite competitori meo vos obstare proposito suo ferendi legem quae cogat ludos Dominicales conducere paedicatores otiosos bilingues narcomaniacos

Business Latin-SERMO LATINUS NEGOTIALIS

    I respectfully decline to answer on the grounds that anything I might say would be a bald-faced lie
    Recuso reverenter ne respondeam, quia quicquid dicam id sit mendacium impudens
    It wasn’t all done with smoke and mirrors-there were some bells and whistles, too
    Non solum fumo speculisque, sed etiam tintinnabulis fistulisque factum est
    It wasn’t really a loss, it was a loan, which of course shows up as a profit
    Non vero damnum erat sed mutuum, quod scilicet in rationibus existimatur lucrum
    I was out of the loop, but I distinctly remember asking if it passed the smell test
    Consilii particeps non eram, tamen memini clare me rogare num id insidias oleret
    Due to an alien abduction, I have no recollection of anything else during that particular period of time
    Quod raptus sum a transaetheriis, omnia quae evenerunt illo tempore de memoria mea exciderunt
    I only sold my stock because a gypsy fortune-teller told me it was an unlucky month for any company with a vowel in its name
    Omnes partes meas vendidi tantummodo eo, quod Aegyptia sortilega mihi dixit mensem infaustum esse cuiquam societati quae vocalem in nomine habet
    Plus which, I needed cash to buy a condominium for my daughter’s hamster
    Mihi autem pecunia opus erat ad domicilium emendum criceto filiae meae
    I mistook the shredder for a Xerox machine
    Discissorem esse Xerographium perperam putavi
    Look, let me off the hook and I will rat out every single person in the whole company
    Age, da mihi veniam ac impunitatem, deferam unumquemque hominum in societate

Furat Emptor-LET THE BUYER GO MAD

    Ministerium consultatorium rerum technicarum tibi gratias agit quod vocavisti
    Thank you for calling tech support
    Verisimile est te haudquaquam intellegere quod dicimus; quid enim?
    You probably don’t understand a word we’re saying; but so what?
    Vocatum tuum nullius momenti putamus eumque neglegemus in ordine
    Your call is of no interest to us and will be ignored in the order it was received
    Fieri potest ut vocatum tuum subauscultemus vel transcribamus animi causa
    Your call may be monitored or recorded to provide us with entertainment
    Omnes auxiliatores nostri nunc emptores alios furiant
    All of our representatives are currently driving other customers crazy
    Necesse tibi est morari circa tres dies et dimidiam
    Your approximate waiting time is three and one-half days
    Preme gullulam primam uti musicam molestam audias
    Press one to hear irritating music
    Preme secundam ut sonum funis occupati audias
    Press two to hear a busy signal
    Preme tertiam uti tinnitum sempiternum lineae vacuae audias
    Press three for the endless ringing of a non-working extension
    Preme quartam uti statim disiungaris
    Press four to be immediately disconnected
    Sit iucundus tibi dies
    Have a nice day

Jury Duty-OFFICIUM IUDICIALE

    I’m hopelessly prejudiced-everyone in this court looks like a criminal, including the judge
    Opinionem praeiudicatam immutabilem habeo-omnes in hac basilica mihi videri nefarios esse, praetore non excepto
    No fair! Just last month I served as a hooded judge on a secret military tribunal, but they made me promise not to tell.
    Iniquum est! Modo proximo mense officio iudicis cucullati functus sum in tribunali clandestino militari tamen coactus sum iurare me de eo taciturum.
    I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help, help me Rhonda
    Iuro sollemniter me dicturum verum, totum verum, nihil praeter verum, ita me iuvet, iuvet Rhonda
    I think I can tell if someone is guilty just by looking at them
    Credo me posse diiudicare utrum quis nocens an innocens sit modo eum spectando
    * I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help, help me Rhonda
    ** I think I can tell if someone is guilty just by looking at them
    *** If it’s really, really close and the jury deadlocks, is it okay to flip a coin?

    If it’s really, really close and the jury deadlocks, is it okay to flip a coin?
    Si lis valde dubia sit, sententiis iuratorum paribus, liceatne nos nummum iactare, “caput aut navem” enuntiantes?
    If the guy is obviously guilty, can we just skip the trial and send him straight to prison under early admission?
    Si reus manifesto sit in culpa, sitne fas nos quaestionem praetereuntes condemnatum in carcerem confestim conicere per admissionem subitariam?
    If the gloves don’t fit, do we have to acquit?
    Si digitalia non congruant manibus, sitne nobis necesse reum absolvere?
    Does the jury room have a minibar?
    Estne cubiculum deliberationis instructum cistula potionum spirituosarum?
    I believe the minimum award in civil cases should be one million dollars, but if you lose, you get the electric chair
    Mea sententia, causam privatam obtinenti ut minimum decies centena milia Ioachimicorum addici debent, at de perdente supplicium ultimum in electrica sella sumendum est
    I plan to find everyone not guilty by reason of I am extremely pissed off
    In animo mihi est, iracundiae meae maximae causa, quemque reum absolvere de crimine
    But in a larger sense, can any of us say that we are truly innocent?
    Quod autem ad res universas attinet, ecquis nostrum dicere potest se vere innocentem esse?
    No, no! It was me! It was me all along! I did it! I did it and I’m glad! Ha-ha, just kidding.
    Minime! Non est! Ego fui! Semper ego! Ego facinus feci! Atque gaudeo me fecisse! Hahahae! Tantummodo iocabar.

Stealth Latin-SERMO LATINUS CLANDESTINUS

    What you say in Latin
    What you say it means
    What it really means
    Stupra fascino volanti torum pistrinum provolventem.
    You never cease to amaze me with your deeply insightful remarks.
    Go take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut.
    Quin futuis uxorem tuam foedam?
    Why doesn’t everyone recognize your genius?
    Why don’t you go screw your ugly wife?
    Velim caput tuum devellere deinde in confinium gulae cacare.
    I just want to tell you how much I appreciate your constructive criticism.
    I’d like to rip off your head and take a dump in the hole.
    Mande merdam et morere.
    Keep up the good work.
    Eat shit and die.
    Propudium parcissimum.
    I’ll get the check.
    You cheap bastard.
    Carrus exsecrabilis est! Venditor te irrumavit!
    What a great car! You got a heck of a deal!
    What a piece of shit! You got taken to the cleaners!
    Aspice hanc supellectilem vilem. Quale gurgustium est.
    Fabulous house-I love your taste.
    Look at this cheesy crap. What a dump.
    Rotaturne capitulum huius, virus exspuens viride?
    Well, now, really, isn’t that the cutest baby you’ve ever seen?
    Does its head spin around and spit green slime?
    Speciem scurrae habes. Spectaculum petauristarum bestiarumque nescieGam adesse.
    Dynamite outfit! It really looks good on you.
    You look like a clown. I didn’t know the circus was in town.
    Amicus tuus expers rationis est. Viculus nescioquis barone suo privatus est.
    Your boyfriend is a great guy. No wonder you’ve been keeping him to yourself.
    He’s a total moron. Somewhere there’s a village missing its idiot.
    Amica tua est originis extraterrestrialis. Si fortuna tibi faveat, cum astronavem suam ista refecerit, a terra tuaque vita discedet tam cito quam fulmen ascendit.
    Your girlfriend is a knockout. Talent, beauty, brains-she has it all.
    She’s a space alien. If you’re lucky, when she gets her flying saucer fixed, she’ll be out of here and out of your life in a flash.

Stealth Latin for Golfers-SERMO LATINUS CLANDESTINUS IN LUSU CALEDONIO

    Quod fustuarium!
    Nice swing!
    What a hack!
    Salaputium fortunatum!
    Great shot!
    You lucky fuckhead.
    Seligatur clava imprudenter
    Be the right club.
    Be the wrong club.
    Pilula, curre in harenariam et defode te.
    Hurry up ball, get some air! Be there!
    Get in that bunker and bury.
    Vola! Aberra! Egredere praeter terminos!
    Stop! Hit something! Stay in play!
    Go! Get lost, ball! Go out of bounds!
    Immerge te in aquam!
    Stay dry!
    Get wet!
    Decurre ab area leni in gramen densum!
    Sit down! Bite!
    Run off the green into the rough!
    Transili puteolum!
    Go in the hole!
    Lip out!
    Euax!
    Aww, too bad!
    Hurray!

Bad Latin, the Dirty Dozen-SERMO LATINUS IMPUDICUS: DUODECIM OBSCENA

    asshole
    culus, i m.; podex, podicis, m.
    balls to be blown & to blow
    coleus, i m.; irrumo, irrumare fello, fellare; ligurio, ire; (verpam) comedo, esse, edi, estum
    to bugger butt
    pedico, are clunis, is m. & f. (clunes, ium); natis, is f. (nates, ium); puta, ae f.
    cock
    capulus, i m.; cauda, ae f.; cicer, is n.; clavus, i m.; cucumis, eris m.; falcula, ae f.; fascinum, i n.; gladius, i m.; hasta, ae f.; membrum, i n.; mentula, ae f.; peculium, i n.; radix, icis f.; rutabulum, i n.; sicula, ae f.; telum, i n.; verpa, ae f.; vomer, eris m.
    cunt
    aratiuncula, ae f.; cunnus, i m.
    fart, to fart
    crepitus, us. m.: strepitus, us m.; crepo, crepare, crepui, crepitum; pedo, pedere, pepedi, peditum; strepito, are
    to fuck
    concumbo, concumbere, concubui, concubitum; futuo, futuere, futui, fututum
    to jerk off
    frico, fricare, fricui, frictum (fricatum); percieo, ire, ivi, itum; sollicito, are; tero, terere, trivi, tritum; tracto, tractare
    piss, to piss
    urina, ae f.; meio, meiere, mixi, mictum; mingo, mingere, minxi, minctum
    shit, to shit
    fimus, i m. & fimus, i n.; merda, ae f.; stercus, oris n.; caco, are

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